


Troubled soul

by Silver_Rabbit



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Crying, Drinking, Drug Use, Falling In Love, Feelings, Fights, Fluff, Insecurity, Love, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Minor Character Death, Plot Twists, Secrets, Sex, Smut, Strangers, Suicide Attempt, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-08
Updated: 2019-04-15
Packaged: 2019-08-20 16:07:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 27,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16558892
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Silver_Rabbit/pseuds/Silver_Rabbit
Summary: The first time Harry sees Louis, he knows he's special, he feels strongly about him and even though he thinks Louis may be someone who destroys him, he still can't help but fall for him.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, thanks for deciding to read it.
> 
> I hope you enjoy.

Harry took in the image in front of him in red, purple and blue flashes, he could tell that there was a fit boy, dancing two meters away from him to the song way too familiar but unrecognizable due to the mix of alcohol and weed.

The flat was way too small to fit forty people, and Harry precisely remembered Annie telling him it would be a small get together, how or when it turned into a crazy party Harry couldn't recall.

Somewhere between empty bottles of liquor and smoke, faces of newcomers started to blend together, making him give up any attempt to remember them.

He could barely perceive the fit boy in front of him, who was getting closer and closer with every long blink he needed to focus his vision, he vaguely remembered meeting him a few hours ago, but in that moment he struggled with keeping his gaze straight, nevermind remembering the guy's name.

Flashing red light illuminated the smug smile on his face a second before Harry felt lips brush up against his. 

Sliding his hand in guy's hair, he tried to keep his balance as stranger pulled him towards the small kitchen. Harry opened his eyes when he felt the vibration caused by the guy bumping his head on the kitchen wall. 

Deepening the kiss, Harry slipped his hands under guy's shirt, feeling his muscles crunch under his fingertips, hot mouth sucking on his neck felt so much more intense with his head hazy. 

He lowered his hand to touch the guy's half hard cock under his jeans, softly squeezing it. The guy moaned in his mouth just as someone opened the door, going around them to get to the sink for some water.

Harry started to stroke the guy's cock, making him quiver impatiently, finally he managed to return the favor, sliding his hands down Harry's pants to give him long awaited friction. Wave of pleasure seized his body as he bit down on guy's lip, not caring about the door opening for what must have been the forth time.

Although this time, whoever came in wasn't coming in or going back out, there wasn't any more sound and that made Harry look. There was someone standing in the doorway, with his mouth open, face twisted with hurt.

It took Harry few seconds to make a connection, jumping back from the guy with his hands rised in the air, apologetic look on his face, but the newcomer wasn't moving, he was staring at the guy who just now noticed him and had panic written all over his face, second after he was chasing his boyfriend out the door, as the latter dramatically made his exit.

"Fuck" Harry mumbled, rubbing his face to make himself sober up. There goes his second attempt to hook up tonight, and he thought the guy falling asleep on him was the worst of it.

"Tough luck" someone said, making Harry jump. 

"What the fuck" he said, turning around to look at the source of the voice.

He was a little shorter than him, leaning against the window as he smoked, he was wearing all black, jeans tight around his delicious curves, he was looking at him with piercing blue eyes. 

Something about the way he moved, or held himself made Harry's stomach flex. He had some sort of intensity that pulled Harry towards him like a gravity. Maybe it was just the weed in his system.

"I thought you wouldn't mind me being here, it is kitchen after all, too much noise out there." He added, making Harry snap out of his thoughts.

"Yeah, whatever." Harry said, breaking eye contact to pour himself a glass of water.

"So, that guy, huh? Hooking up with you while his boyfriend was under the same damn roof takes a special kind of asshole."

"Yeah, that's pretty fucked up." Harry agreed, asjusting his pants, still feeling uneasy from what just happened.

"I'm Louis by the way."

"I'm Harry" he said, trying to focus enough to properly observe Louis.

"You look like you've been here a long time, Harry" he smirked, stopping the gaze at his half undone shirt "is the party dying down or has it been like this the whole time." 

"It wasn't supposed to be a party, but yeah, I've been here since eight. what time even is it?"

"Almost four." Harry groaned, time passes really fast when you're having fun. "Wanna go for a walk?" 

"Who goes on a drunken walk at four in the morning?!"

"Come on, young Harold, rebel, break the rules." He said, teasingly smirking.

"Okay, only if we can get some junk food" Harry's stomach grumbled just from the thought of food. "I know the place"

"Sure" Louis said, pitting out the cigarette on the window bar before throwing it out. "This party's dead anyway."

"Did you just get here?" Harry asked as they were walking out of the front door. Harry didn't even bother to say goodbye, he doubted he could find his friends.

"Pretty much"

"Who goes to a party at four am?!"

"Those who know how to really party. Things are more magical late at night, the borders between people fade and become more touchable, bringing us all together in a drunken haze, that's the magic of it."

"How are you making getting fucked up at the party sound poetic?!"

"We can make anything sound like anything, we just don't put any effort into it, or don't have the vision to see things from the less popular angle." Louis said as they walked down the stairs, leaving the noises behind.

"Or maybe you're just one of those people who can bullshit their way through anything because they say the most stupid things confidently." Louis chuckled.

"Yeah, maybe." 

They crossed the street as Harry led Louis to the diner that he always goes to after Annie's parties. Louis followed him in.

The white lights of the diner hurt their eyes as they made their way to the corner table, sitting down opposite each other. After a few minutes a young girl approached them, with a smile way too enthusiastic for the circumstances.

"Are you ready to order yet?" She said, making Harry look away from Louis, still feeling his burning gaze.

"Yeah, I'll have burger with fries and a large cappuccino please" Harry said, looking at Louis, his brows rised in question.

"Right" Louis said, finally taking his eyes off Harry, looking down at the menu with a sheepish smile. "Um... I'll have black coffee and a cheesecake."

"Oh, I want a cheesecake too" Harry said, excited. "And a bottle of water"

"Who orders coffee with fast food, who even are you" Louis said as the waitress left.

"What's wrong with ordering coffee with junk food..." He said defensively "god, if I knew you'd be so judgmental I wouldn't agree on the walk." Harry added, smile creeping up on his face.

"Too late now, you already ordered, now you're stuck with me." Louis said, smiling back.

"So Louis" Harry asked after waitress placed their orders on the table "do you make a habit out of taking guys for a walk after creeping on them while they're hooking up, or am I your first?"

"Well, do you make a habit out of fucking people on the kitchen walls while dozens of other people could walk in any minute?" Louis stared back at him, his eyebrows raised "Because I might be into that" he added, sipping his coffee, not breaking eye contact.

Harry bursts into laughter, almost spilling his coffee, Louis smiles, and his face just radiates warmth, he looks so genuine and carefree. He might be the most beautiful person Harry has ever laid his eyes on.

Harry sips his coffee, trying to hide his smile as Louis takes a bite of his burger. 

"How do you know Annie?" Harry asks after a few seconds of silence.

"Who?" Louis frowns. 

"The person who's house we just left?"

"I don't, but I think my friend does, he texted me about the party, as he always does, bless his sweet, partying soul."

"I don't know how it got so crazy." Harry said, slowly shaking his head.

"The magic of Wednesday..." 

"Of fuck, it is Wednesday!" Harry gasped.

"Technically it's Thursday..."

"Fuck I have work in like... Four hours." Harry sighed, panicking.

"Hey, calm down curly, you're already drunk, is there any way you could miss it?" 

"I don't think so, no" Harry said, suddenly regretting everything in life.

"Okay, what do you do?"

"I work at the animal shelter"

"Of course you do" Louis said with a small smile "well, if you sleep now it'll make it worse, so I say drink as much coffee as you can."

"Oh god, I will die... I'm almost already asleep, I'm drunk, high and too old for this shit." Louis raised his brows, for some reason amused by Harry's panic.

"How old are you?"

"Twenty." Louis snorted loudly, making a few heads turn.

"Yeah, you are too old for this..." He said.

"I can't tell if you're being sarcastic."

"Who me? No... I'm too old to be sarcastic, I'm like... Twenty two. But just... Don't tell anyone." Harry gave him his best annoyed look before breaking into a grin.

"There he is, you might be old but still young at heart"

"Okay, I get it, I'm being ridiculous, you can stop now."

"Not till I die... Which might be soon, considering my age and all..." Louis said, thoughtfully.

"Stop it!" Harry said, laughing.

"I'm not saying anything" Louis raised his hands, shrugging.

"God, how am I gonna survive today?" He said, burying his head in his hands.

"Painfully, but you will, I have faith in you." 

"Makes one of us" Harry said, miserably sipping his coffee.

"You're gonna be fine." Louis smiled. 

Hours flew in the unlikely combination of banter and deep talks, by eight a.m. Harry was mostly sober, yet sleepless and tired.

There was a certain energy in Louis, that made him feel special just by talking to him, made him smile and enjoy every second they spent together.

He couldn't help but crack the smile every time Louis looked at him like he was the most precious thing, it was hard to remember they met only few hours ago, it was so easy to be with Louis.

Despite the sleep deprivation, Harry made it through the mostly easy going work day, stumbling home at 3pm, barely making it to the bed before passing out.

***

Waking up in the middle of the night, disoriented and sweaty was nothing new for Harry, but it still sucked every time. 

Despite his full bladder and dry mouth he tried to lay still, giving himself a chance to fall back to sleep, but no such luck. He moved his hands thought the sheets, trying to find his phone to check the time. It was almost 6 am. 

He went to the bathroom and took a shower, there was no way he could fall back to sleep, not after sleeping more than 15 hours. 

His mind started drifting, remembering last night. He thought about Louis as water ran down his chest, thought about the magic of meeting new people and getting to know some part of them. It feels so special then, but when you wake up you know you're probably never going to meet again, you keep that little part of someone buried in your heart like a treasure, it's probably for the best to keep that magic intact. Still Harry felt sad for not exchanging numbers with Louis. He really was something special.

***

 

Harry was having an odd night. He was working later than usual, so after his shift he decided to get some tea to relax before going home.

What he didn't expect to happen, was to run into his friend from school, Katy, that he hadn't seen for four years. He was excited of course, joined her and her friends.

He didn't remember who suggested the idea to go to bar after, but two hours later he was six shots of tequila in, encouraging the guy he met thirty seconds ago to take off his clothes as he danced on the bar.

Three more hours later, he found himself alone with bunch of strangers, because Katy and her friends said goodbye and left. 

Harry didn't want to leave yet, so he made a conversation with the guy at the bar, he wasn't looking for a hookup, he was in the state of drunk where he just wanted to talk to people.

When he felt like he had too much to drink and was about to start embarrassing himself, he got up and stumbled out of the bar, walking down the street as he wanted for taxi to come by so he could go home.

The street was full of bars, music coming out of every one of them, he looked around, lighting a cigarette. Loud bang startled him, making him look at the source.

There were three big guys cornering the smaller one, who didn't look scared at all, even though he had a bloody nose, Harry instinctively moved towards them, it took him a few steps to recognize Louis in the smaller guy who was pressed up against the wall, still smirking, it made his body shake with rage.

Louis was saying something to the guy, making him more furious, finally he spat on his face, causing the guy to push him down, his head colliding with pavement.

"Hey, get the fuck away from him" Harry yelled, making everyone look at him.

"Go home princess or you're next, this little shit had it coming." One of the guys said.

Harry got right in the guy's face who was holding Louis down, putting some space between them. Their noses were almost pressing against each other as he stood in front of the guy obviously much stronger than him. He didn't know where this sudden courage was coming from.

"I said get. the fuck. away from him" he spat out making the guy step backwards, confused by Harry's confidence.

"Or what?" The guy asked, suddenly anxious by Harry's rage.

"I've called the cops so you have about two minutes at best to get lost, unless you want to spend the night locked up, the least." The guy spat on the ground, irritated, looking at his friends, mumbling something. They turned around to leave.

"I better not see your stupid face again Tomlinson, or next time I'll kill you."

"It's a date, babe" Louis yelled as the guys turned the corner, chuckling as he got up and sorted his clothes out.

"Thanks for coming to rescue, my knight in shining armor, but you didn't have to do that." Louis said, looking at Harry. "We better get out of here before the cops come."

"I didn't really call the cops" Harry said. "Do you know those guys?" Louis looked at him, he chuckled and looked down before looking back at Harry.

"You could say that" he said "I have tendency to piss them off, they weren't really gonna kill me." He said, making Harry raise his brows doubtfully. "Probably" he added with mischievous smile.

"You look familiar, have we fucked before?" Louis asked. Making Harry almost choke on the air, taken by surprise.

"No... Um... We kinda met at a party, got food, talked for a few hours? Like four months ago?" 

 

"I'm totally fucking with you Harold, I never forget a pretty face like yours, come on let's get a drink, I'm buying."

"Are you sure?" Harry asked, concerned, blocking Louis' way "your nose and brow are bleeding and you seem really drunk as it is, maybe we should go to the hospital?"

"Nah" Louis said "it's really not a big deal, just need some alcohol, purely for pain relieving purposes."

"Louis, don't be stubborn, it looks really bad, and your brow may need stitches and your knuckles are bleeding too..."

"Oh my God, alright, let's go to the damn hospital, mom" he rolled his eyes "you're no fun"

Harry felt weird. He suddenly felt sober as he sat in taxi beside Louis, going to the hospital. 

It was ridiculous to assume he knew him, but Louis seemed different. He was so cynical instead of sassy and didn't seem to take anything seriously.

"Does it hurt?" Harry asked him as they were walking into the hospital.

"Not really" Louis said, staring out of the window.

"You should report those guys, they threatened to kill you" Harry said, walking down the hallway of the hospital.

"Nah, they're not gonna do anything"

"I think they might"

"Just drop it Harry, okay?! It was my fault, I'm not gonna call the cops on them" Louis turned to Harry, looking deep into his eyes as the white lights illuminated his face "we're all junkies and the thieves, some of us just have the guts to admit it"

"What do you mean?!" Harry asked, confused. Louis smiled and looked down. "What did you do?" 

Louis smirked, not answering as he followed the nurse down the hallway.

"I'll be right back" he said with a wink.

Harry set on the hospital chair, counting the light bulbs to pass the time, thinking about Louis. He seemed like a completely different person and Harry felt as disappointed as he felt more magnetized. He thought of just getting up, walking out and maybe never seeing Louis again, that would probably be the smart thing to do, Louis seemed like trouble, the kind of person who could completely ruin his life, but he couldn't make his legs move, the pull he felt towards him was paralyzing.

 

***

It wasn't long before sunrise when they stepped out of the hospital. Cold October morning was unusually quiet.

"Thanks" Louis mumbled as they walked in the twilight, across the empty parking lot.

"You don't have to thank me just..." Harry stopped, biting his lip, evaluating if he was even entitled to give advice.

"Just?..." Louis asked.

"Just be careful, please" Harry said, glancing at him as they walked. "It seemed like you were looking for a fight."

"Maybe I was" Louis almost whispered after a few minutes of silence.

"But why?" Harry asked, frustrated by the lack of information.

"We all have shitty days, Harold, and we all deal in our own ways." Louis said, trying to downplay the importance of the situation.

"Yeah, most of us don't really end up at the hospital after, though..." 

"It's just the way I am... Why do you care anyway?" Louis asked, genuinely curious.

"Maybe that's the way I am..." Harry answered.

They walked for a while in the empty streets, not saying anything at all. 

"Where are you going?" Harry asked when they stopped by the main road.

"Wouldn't you like to know" Louis smirked. Harry rolled his eyes.

"I'm tired Louis, you go first, I'll get the next cab..."

"My hero" Louis said. "Aren't you gonna give me your number? For, you know?! For me to text you when I get home safely?" Louis smiled playfully.

"Sure" Harry said, putting his number in Louis' phone. "There you go"

As Harry closed the door of his own cab, he looked out and wondered about what he could make out of all this. He put on his headphones and let the music relax him.

In twenty minutes his phone buzzed three times 

"I got home safely, thanks for looking after me, you really didn't have to."

"It's Louis by the way, if you couldn't tell."

"It would be really fucking weird if you couldn't tell though..." 

Harry smiled, shaking his head.

"It's no problem Louis, good night"

"Good night Harry." 

 

***

The next day Harry didn't have anything to do,so he was enjoying his lazy Saturday afternoon when his phone started ringing.

"You look like someone who knows a lot about cats" said the voice. Harry frowned in confusion.

"Hello to you too, Louis, I've been well, thank you, how are you doing?"

"Yeah, yeah, hi, it's an emergency Harry."

"And your first instinct was to call me? I'm flattered, what's up?"

"You work at the animal shelter, don't you?! I'm really desperate. So my neighbor dropped off her cat, because she was going out of town for a weekend and the cat is freaking out, I don't know what to do, she's not answering her phone."

"What is it doing?" 

"It was fine at first, but after a few hours l dropped something, he got scared and now he's running around like crazy, I'm really freaked out"

"Try not moving or saying anything, it'll calm down eventually, then you make some background noise, turn on TV or something so it gets used to a noise"

"Okay, I'm not doing anything, I'm not even breathing, I think he's calming down." He whispered.

"Just don't do anything, let him calm down and feel safe before you move."

"Oh my God, pets are so much headache..."

"Do you want me to come over?"

"Would you really?"

"Anything for a handsome fella, and I kinda feel bad for you too..."

"Ha ha very funny, okay I'll text you the address."

Harry got up and made sure he looked decent before going out and texting Louis that he was on his way. Apparently Louis didn't live far away, just fifteen minutes of walk away, but he took a cab to get there as fast as possible.

Twenty minutes after Louis texted him the address, he was in front of the door, calling him.

"Hey, are you almost here?" 

"I'm at the door, didn't want to knock, for cat's sake."

A few seconds later the door opened.

"Hey" Louis said "you are a lifesaver" he added as Harry made his way inside.

"I haven't done anything, really" Harry said as he took in Louis' appearance.

He was wearing gray sweatpants and loose shirt, his hair was messy but still somehow gorgeous. 

"Are you kidding me? You came here, you don't even know me that well, you're my hero, really." Harry almost blushed, he wasn't very good at receiving compliments.

Harry looked around. This place seemed quite big for one person. The hallway was small, with a mirror all across the wall, on the left there was a huge white arch that led to a living room, there also was a small hallway on the right side and what looked like a couple of rooms.

"So, where's the cat?" Harry asked, to break the awkward silence.

"In the living room, hiding behind the armchair. He's been calm for a while, but I'm scared to go near him."

The living room was huge, with long couch and loveseat in the center of the wall, large TV hanging on the opposite side. There was two fancy armchairs around small round table on the corner, next to the kitchen door. Next to that there was what looked like a slightly open bedroom door. 

There were beautiful paintings on the walls. The decor was mix between vintage and modern and it somehow worked perfectly. 

Harry slowly approached the cat, bending down.

"Hey there, little guy" he talked to a cat. "Look what I've got" he held up a rubber mouse and slowly put it on the floor. The cat looked him up and down suspiciously, before slowly coming forward, to examine the toy and play with it. He stopped and stared at Harry.

"Go on, it's for you" he said. The cat approached mouse, careful first, but soon he started playing with it, forgetting all about the stress.

Harry got up and sat on the couch on the opposite side of the room. 

"How did you do that?! I've been trying so hard for him to like me!" Louis said quietly, sitting near him.

"I didn't do anything, it's the toy he likes." 

"Thank you so much for this, really."

"Stop thanking me, it's really not a problem, he's so adorable" 

"Would you like something to drink? Coffee, tea, water, I think I even have an orange juice somewhere."

"I'd like coffee, if you don't mind"

"No, not at all" Louis got up, entering kitchen, Harry followed.

When Harry entered the kitchen his mouth almost dropped, it was bigger than his bedroom, there was a black kitchen counter separating the room in two, in one section there was sink, drawers and other kitchen stuff and on the other there was dining table with chairs, also there was an open door, leading to the large balcony with braided outdoor furniture.

"So um... Your flat is really beautiful." Harry said, leaning against the kitchen counter as Louis poured coffee into the mugs.

"Oh, thanks" Louis said. "It was my grandfather's, he passed away a few years ago and I've lived here since. Kinda lonely sometimes, it's too big... sugar?"

"Oh, no thanks" Harry said "sorry about your grandfather."

"Yeah, he was the best" Louis smiled. Holding two cups of coffee. "Do you want to go to the balcony? Kinda still scared to freak out the cat" 

"Sure" Harry said, following him.

There was a braided table, two armchairs and a small couch.

They sat down, Louis handed him coffee, lighting up a cigarette.

"Do you smoke?" He asked.

"Sometimes" Harry answered.

"Do you want some?" He handed him a pack, Harry took one out.

"Don't look like a scared kitten, please, I already have one of those, I'm not some rich snob, I promise" Louis said.

"Sorry" Harry said "I don't think you're a rich snob, I just think your place is really beautiful. And big"

"Yeah, there used to be five people living here, it didn't seem so big back then." Louis said, taking a hit of his cigarette. "So how did you get here so fast?"

"I live two streets away, pretty close. Maybe that's why we keep running into each other all the time."

"Maybe" Louis said "or maybe it's just the faith" he playfully raised his eyebrows.

"You wish, Lewis" Harry said laughing. He kinda wished it too.

They spent a few hours talking and just hanging out, soon cat not only wasn't scared, but was curled up in Harry's lap, purring every time Harry stroked his fur. 

"Are you hungry? Let's order pizza, you like pizza, right?"

"Who doesn't like pizza!" Harry said.

"Okay, done." Louis said putting the phone down. "Now, wanna get high?"

"It's 7pm" Harry said, frowning in disbelief.

"What's your point?" Louis raised his eyebrows.

"Sure, then..." Harry chucked as Louis disappeared into the bedroom, bringing out a small box and ashtray. He pulled out a joint, handing it to Harry.

"Wanna do the honor?" He said, lighting up a joint between Harry's lips. Harry inhaled deeply, holding the smoke in his lungs. He handed joint to Louis, who did the same.

They passed two joints between them, before Harry felt the world around him get calmer and more tangible. It's been a while since he smoked and he felt the effect of the drug take him to another world. 

"This is good, I like it" he mumbled.

"Yeah, I grew it myself" Louis said, sipping water from his glass.

Louis put on music and after a few minutes pizza arrived. Harry could have sworn that this was the most delicious thing he has ever tasted.

"You want something to drink?" Louis said.

"What do you got?" Harry asked, following Louis to the kitchen.

Louis opened up a drawer, revealing his quite impressive collection of alcohol.

"I'll have rum" Harry said.

"Good choice" Louis smirked, pouring it into two glasses.

"Here's to us, Harry" he said, drinking his half full glass in one go. Harry followed his example, feeling the alcohol warm up his body in a whole new way.

"Dance with me" Louis said mischievously, taking Harry's hand, leading him back to the living room, turning the lights down a little on his way.

They swayed in the rhythm, their bodies brushing up against each other, their eyes closed. They danced and danced, for what felt like hours before they sat down on the couch.

Harry laid back, closing his eyes. Louis sat next to him, turning towards Harry, sitting sideway so he could observe him closely.

Harry smiled. He opened his eyes and suddenly it hit him how close Louis was sitting. He sat up. 

Louis poked his dimple, softly chuckling.

"What?" Harry said, smiling.

"Nothing" Louis answered "you're just too beautiful to be real."

"Maybe I'm not real" Harry said, his voice low and eyes wide, like he was a kid, sharing a secret "maybe non of it is real and we're just an illusion. We must be, in some way."

"Maybe, but if it's an illusion, it's a perfect one" Louis said, sliding his hand softly down Harry's cheek. Harry couldn't help but lean into the touch, Louis' skin felt like heaven.

Their faces were so close, Harry could feel Louis' soft breaths against his lips. It felt so intense, like the only real thing in the world.

Warm pull filled Harry's stomach, making it flex with the urgency. He leaned in, so that they were touching, they weren't moving just feeling the feathery touch of each other's lips.

Louis was the first one to move, he pulled Harry into a soft, slow kiss, teasing his lips with his teeth, moving close and moving backwards, driving Harry crazy with anticipation. A desperate noise escaped Harry's mouth, making Louis smile into the kiss. 

He led Harry with his hand still placed on his cheek, as their lips collided, sharing deep, intense kisses, trying to be as close as possible, invade each other's personal space more, and more, before they became one entity, moving and breathing in sync, brushing their tongues against each other softly, marking each other as the gravity that pushed them towards this feeling in their chests, to balance, to pleasure so strong that it made their minds go blank, making them just feel and perceive each other as extension of their souls.

Harry could have sworn that the time stopped and moved at the light speed simultaneously. There was no time, not like he knew it, there was just Louis, his hot mouth, his hands running up and down on his sides as he got on his lap, bringing them closer and closer with every grind, every noise, every vibration. 

It wasn't physical, it was spiritual, it was the feeling of beauty, it was connection of their souls, the bite on his neck felt like electroshock, making every cell in his body come alive, this felt like so much more than this world, so much more than reality, so much more than what he could put into the words. 

When he felt the vibration of Louis' long, desperate moan on his collarbone, making his grinds get slower and longer, controlled by the instinct, by the pull, pure desperation to make this as good as it could be, he felt himself become pure energy, a naked soul, he gave himself over to the intensity of feelings as he became more than just a human, he became all the colors and all the feelings that seized his body in waves of pleasure, making Louis the anchor to his world.

They laid there after, just looking at each other, tracing miles and miles of skin with their fingertips, memorizing every small detail of this magical moment.

"Do you feel this too?" Harry's question left his lips as a soft whisper. Making Louis nod with the smile on his bitten lips. 

"Yeah" he simply said, his blue eyes saying that he understood exactly what Harry meant as their lips touched once more.

Maybe it was an illusion,

Just any other moment,

It was nothing...

And still, it felt like everything.


	2. Chapter 2

Harry woke up, struggling to breathe. The air going into his nose smelled amazing but it was thick from the heat. He turned his head away from Louis' neck, taking a deep breath, breaking into a smile. His heart was fluttering with emotions. 

He opened his eyes and looked around, he was still snuggled into Louis' chest, arms around his waist, legs intertwined. Louis seemed relaxed, his lips slightly parted, hair messy. Harry felt so warm around him, like he was the sun, making the world light up.

He got up slowly, quetly making his way to the bathroom. He sorted himself out, looking in the mirror. He had a couple of hickeys on his neck and collarbone. He frowned, softly rubbing them.

He went back in the living room, where Louis was cuddling a pillow on the couch, still asleep. he felt awkward, not knowing what to do now. He didn't want to wake Louis up, but he didn't want to leave like this either. He had work in two hours, he needed to go home, shower and get ready. He glanced around, finding pen and a piece of paper.

"Sorry, I didn't want to wake you up, but I really have to go. I had a lot of fun yesterday.  
-H"

He gathered his things and left, quietly closing the door behind him.

All day he couldn't concentrate on anything but the memories of last night. He could still feel Louis' heavy, desperate breaths on his skin and it was driving him crazy.

How could he feel so strongly about someone he just met?! It was so terrifying, he never liked anyone this easily. Everything with Louis just felt so right. 

***

In the evening Harry knocked on the door of his best friend, nervously biting his lip.

"H" Annie said, smile instantly appearing on her pale face "I wasn't expecting you, come in babe."

"It's not a bad time, is it?" Harry asked as he sat down in the living room, putting his feet up on the table. Annie shook her head.

"Shoes off buddy, come on" she said while untangling her messy hair "so who is he?" She smirked knowingly.

"How did you...?" Harry narrowed his eyes.

"Come on, H, you're so predictable, tell me, is he hot?" She wiggled her eyebrows.

"Yes, he's very hot" Annie clapped, excited, sitting opposite Harry with a huge grin, excitement written all over her face. "I met him on your party actually, a few months ago, we hang out for a few hours, then we reconnected on Friday and we hooked up yesterday, but I left this morning before he woke up."

"You what?" Annie gasped. 

"Okay, don't judge me. First of all, we were high when we did it, secondly, I had work and didn't want to wake him up."

"Oh bullShit" Annie rolled her eyes. "It's just your paranoid mind making problems out of thin air... We talked about it so many times Harry..." She put her feet up, laying on the couch.

"Okay... Maybe I freaked, alright?! He's just so hot, funny and perfect, but he's also very intense and last night was so fucking amazing... I don't know, I feel things and I only met him three times. I'm scared, I don't want to ruin it."

"So you decided leaving while he was sleeping was the best way to not fuck it up?! Dude..."

"I left the note?" Harry tried.

"Oh my god" Annie rolled her eyes again "did you at least text him later?"

"Not really..."

"Okay, text him now, it's so stupid to leave like that, come on H..." She said.

'Hey Louis, sorry again, for leaving like that this morning.' He texted

Harry dropped the phone dramatically on the couch after he pressed "send", burying his head in his hands. It buzzed a few seconds later.

'It's cool.' Was all Louis texted back. 

"Fuck" Harry said. "Why did I do that... I feel so stupid..."

"Because you're a fucking child and never listen to me..." Annie said, shaking her head. "Vodka?"

"Yes, please"

Annie poured triple vodka in each long glass, added martini to fill them up and put ice in it. It was her favorite drink in the world, she took drinks and headed to the bedroom. Harry followed.

It was their tradition to drink there, she didn't allow smoking anywhere else in the flat, unless it was a party.

They crawled up on the bed, laying on the huge pillows.

"Okay" Annie said, taking a huge gulp of her drink "so what are your intentions for this mystery guy?" 

"I don't know, but I really like him... Like, more than Nathan."

"You were dating him for months." She said, her mouth slightly open.

"What can I say, Louis is just so... Magnetizing"

"Louis?" She frowned "not Louis Tomlinson?!" Her face was filled with disgust and Harry's stomach dropped.

"He said he didn't know you... Why do you say it like that..." Harry said, watching his friend bite her lip nervously "what is it? just say it."

"Well, I don't know him but I've heard more than enough of him to know that whatever's going on with you two could be a bad idea." She said, taking a long drag of her cigarette "I'm sorry but he's dangerous, he's going to hurt you..."

"What do you mean dangerous?"

"Fuck Harry... I wish I could tell you but I've heard shit and it's not good babe..."

"Would you for fuck's sake tell me something specific?"

"I can't, I promised someone I care about that I wouldn't... Can't you just trust me on that one?"

"Well, are you sure that that someone was being fair? Because he's not like that... so why judge him before you get to know him..."

"You're not gonna listen to me are you?! Whatever..." she paused, looking at him with a frown " just be careful, alright H?"

"Sure." Harry said finishing his drink "can you be a babe and get me another drink, please?" Harry added, trying to sound cheerful. Annie chuckled and went to the kitchen.

"what's up?" Harry texted Louis. Biting his lip.

"Nothing much, gonna head out in a while, wanna come?" Harry raised his eyes at the unexpected invitation. Anxiety filling his guts.

"I'm at my friend's place right now, so maybe later? Just text me where you'll be."

"Sure, see you later" 

 

***

Harry got out of taxi, regretting it instantly. He wasn't sure if he had the right address, because when Louis offered to meet up, he thought he meant a pub or something, not under the bridge on the bad part of the town, in the middle of nowhere. anxiety got even stronger, making him tense as he eyed the group of bikers racing fifty meters away from him. He turned around, grabbing his phone from the pocket, dialing Louis' number.

He felt someone pinch his sides from behind, he jumped away, dropping his phone in panic. 

He turned around to be met with Louis, who was laughing hysterically. Harry stood frozen, confused. Louis got closer to him, holding him by his forearms.

"Sorry, sorry" he said, looking in his eyes with a twitching smile. "You just looked like a lost puppy, I couldn't help myself."

"It is not funny Louis!" Harry pouted, taking his phone from the ground "the fuck are we doing here anyway?" He asked, glancing at the bikers again. "We're not gonna..." He asked looking at the people racing, cheering loudly and laughing.

"No, no" Louis said. "Not tonight" Harry frowned at Louis' smirk as he took his hand to walk him up the hill, getting on the bridge. There was a small crowd of people gathered in the middle.

Louis stopped before reaching them, getting a flask from his pocket, ignoring Harry's raised eyebrows as he took a big gulp. 

"So, you wanna do something crazy?" He said handing Harry the flask. Harry slowly sipped from it, flinching at the strong taste of whiskey.

"How crazy are we talking?" He said, narrowing his eyes.

"Like jumping from the bridge?" Louis smiled innocently.

"Jumping... From the bridge..." Harry said "are you crazy?! It's so high!"

"Don't be a baby, honestly... We'll have ropes. Like a mini bungee jumping."

"Are you serious?!"

"Deadly" Louis said smirking, finishing what was left in the flask "so you wanna do it? I promise you, it's safe, my friend here knows what he's doing, alright?!" He pointed at someone in the crowd. "So?"

Harry had adrenaline rushing through his veins just from thinking about it, he looked down from the bridge. It seemed so high.

"Are you sure it's safe?" Harry asked.

"Hundred precent, I've done it before."

"I don't know... Okay... I don't know..." Harry said biting his lip.

"Yo Loueh" someone yelled from the crowd "you ready?"

"In a minute" Louis yelled back, raising eyebrows at Harry questioningly.

"Okay, let's do it before I overthink." Harry said, walking faster to the crowd. There were cheers when they got to them. There were twelve people, Harry counted. Louis introduced everyone, not giving Harry time to remember any of the names, as he smiled awkwardly. Not that anyone cared that he was there... Most of them were too drunk to function.

The guy named Alex, was the one who knew what he was doing, apparently. He was in his mid thirties, face serious. Seems trust worthy enough, Harry thought.

It was only after they were equipped and standing on the edge when it hit him what he was really doing. The ropes didn't seem nearly strong enough to hold him and the height was making him dizzy, he looked at Louis, he didn't seem scared at all. 

"Louis?" Harry said, panic in his voice, convinced he was about to die. "I don't want to do it" Louis frowned, looking at him "Lou I'm serious, I'm really scared."

"We're so close Harry, come on, hold my hand, nothing bad is going to happen I promise, it'll be the best thing you ever felt." Louis said "just hold on to me, this is ride for two" Louis smirked, wrapping his arm around Harry's waist. Harry nodded, closing his eyes for a second, breathing in.

"You ready?" Louis asked, he nodded "on the count of three."

Their feet pushed off the concrete just as Louis said three, making the panic in Harry's chest come out as a loud scream. There was not a single thought in his mind as he felt their bodies drop, racing down, he felt his body split the air. His head was buzzing from all the blood and adrenaline as he stopped falling and started spinning in the air with Louis, His heart fluttering in his chest like crazy.

"Oh my God this is amazing" he shouted in Louis ear with a huge grin as he continued drifting in the air.

***

Harry dropped on the concrete, back against the bridge when they finally got back. He was still trying to calm his body down.

"What the fuck" he said laughing, still breathless. "What the fuck, I loved it"

"Told you" Louis said, chuckling. 

"I can not believe I did it" Harry said, looking up at Louis , who was staring at him. Before he could overthink it, he pulled him down on his lap, crushing their lips together.

He could feel Louis' fast breathing against his skin as he bit down on his lip, moving hands on his body. Adrenaline still in his veins.

"Fuck, let's get out of here" Louis whispered in Harry's mouth, after hearing a few cheers and whistles from Louis' friends.

"Yes" he answered, pulling up from the ground. "Let's find a taxi."

"No, I'll take you" Louis said leading Harry down the hill. 

"You've been drinking" Harry said.

"Just a little bit, don't worry about it, I'm not drunk"

Louis stopped walking and Harry gasped.

"I'm not getting on THAT" he said, crossing his arms, eyeing the black motorcycle.

"Why not?" Louis sighed.

"It looks dangerous." Harry said.

"You just jumped from the bridge" 

"That was safe" he said, thinking for a second "wasn't it?"

"So is this, come on, I'm sober, I promise, here put this on" he handed Harry the helmet.

Harry sighed, getting behind Louis on the motorcycle, taking a deep breath and counting, before breathing out of his mouth.

"Aren't you gonna wear helmet?" Harry asked after a few seconds.

"I only have one" Louis answered as he started the bike, making Harry tighten his grip on Louis from stress.

"It's like you're trying to get me killed" Harry mumbled as Louis started the bike.

Harry never liked motorcycles, so he spent the whole ride with his eyes closed tightly, holding on to Louis, praying to every god he could think of, to save him.

"You can relax now, we're here." Louis said after stopping.

"Oh thank God" Harry said, letting his body relax as soon as he felt his feet touch the ground.

"Oh come on, so dramatic!" Louis rolled his eyes, endeared, wrapping his arm around Harry's waist, leading him inside.

"Tonight was insane" Harry said, as he entered Louis' flat, hanging his jacket on the hook.

"The night hasn't even started yet" Louis said, smirking, before approaching Harry slowly.

"Oh yeah?" Harry smiled, cupping Louis' cheek.

"Mmhm" Louis mumbled before connecting their lips.

Louis pulled away a few seconds later, stroking his cheek. He took Harry across the living room, into the bedroom. Pushing him on the bed.

Louis laid between his legs, sucking on his neck.

"Don't leave hickeys please" Harry said.

"You're no fun" Louis frowned jokingly, pulling Harry's shirt up, throwing it on the floor.

He kissed down his chest and stomach, biting teasingly, before squeezing his clothed cock. He looked up at him with a question in his eyes. Harry nodded, choking on the air stuck in his throat.

Louis smiled as he unbuttoned his jeans, pushing it down with underwear and shoes. He kissed up on Harry's thigh, moving his hands up and down his hips.

He got closer to his hard cock, close enough for it to brush up against his lips. Harry felt tongue licking his cock before feeling lips wrap around it, going down. He could barely hold himself from thrusting up, the heat around him felt so electrifying.

"How do you want to do it?" Louis asked, before licking his whole length.

"I want you to fuck me" Harry choked out. Louis sucked his cock for a few more seconds, just tasting and feeling it, then he got up, getting lube and condoms.

He sucked on his hip bone while pushing one finger inside Harry's hole, letting him adjust before adding another, gently moving them.

"Fuck, you're so beautiful like this" Louis said, looking at him, pulling up to kiss his lips passionately, making Harry's heart skip a beat. He moaned in Louis' mouth when he pushed his spot.

"I'm ready" he mumbled.

"Alright" Louis said, placing kisses on his lips and cheek before putting on a condom. He looked at Harry again, waiting before he nodded to push inside of him, moving painfully slow.

"You can move Lou, I'm not gonna break" Harry said looking up at him.  
Louis gave him a side smile and playful eye roll before thrusting up, moving in and out, adjusting a rhythm. 

Harry started moving too, impatiently, wanting to get as much of Louis as he could.

"That's how you like it, huh?" Louis said, thrusting inside him roughly, making him moan. Louis picked up the pace, slamming into him hard, sliding his hand in his hair, pulling it, Harry's grip tightened on his body.

Louis smirked, looking down on Harry who was whimpering with pleasure, his eyes wet, his gaze hazy.

"Are you close baby?" Louis whispered in his ear, feeling Harry breath out a "yes".

He slammed into him harder, gently sucking on the skin under his ear as he wrapped his hand around Harry's cock, stroking it in a rhythm. Couple of seconds later Harry came with a moan muffled by Louis lips, Louis didn't stop moving through his orgasm, pulling out slowly after.

"Can I come on your face?" Harry nodded, pushing himself up. Louis pulled the condom off, stroking his cock a few times before coming all over Harry's face, pulling him into a filthy kiss after.

"Fuck that was hot." Harry said while Louis was looking for something to wipe Harry's face with.

"I don't think shirt's gonna do it" Louis said "it's in your hair, too" he rubbed the cum on his face as Harry gasped and smacked his hand away, making Louis laugh. "Wanna shower?"

"I'm too exhausted" Harry mumbled.

"Come on, cutie, you're gonna be thankful tomorrow." Harry groaned pushing his head backwards. 

Louis took his hands, making him get up. He was surprisingly strong.

Harry followed him in the bathroom. He was thankful for Louis making him shower, as soon as he felt warm water run down his body, Louis carfully cleaned Harry's face, put some shampoo in his long hair, rubbing it in his scalp, Harry had his eyes closed as Louis cleaned both of them. 

"Are you asleep?" Louis asked after turning the water off.

"Yes" 

"Come on, just a little bit longer, and in a couple of minutes you'll be lying in bed."

"Mmhm" Harry mumbled, cracking his eyes open to find Louis smiling at him, endeared, he couldn't help but smile back, taking a towel from his hand.

Harry dropped on the bed, on his stomach, spreading his limbs all over the bed. In a few seconds he felt a body wrap around his from behind. He smiled, taking Louis' hand in his and placing a kiss on it, getting kisses on the shoulder in response.

"Sleep now, love." Louis whispered, stroking his wet hair. "Goodnight"

"Goodnight Lou" he mumbled in a pillow, feeling Louis grip tighten around him for a second before his mind went blank.

***

Harry woke up to the coffee smell, cracking his eyes and sitting up instantly. He yawned, stretching his body before getting up. He hadn't slept this good in a long time. 

He put his clothes on and tied his hair up in a bun, before going to the kitchen. He was met with a huge smile and a coffee mug.

"Morning" Louis said, handing him coffee. "Did you sleep well?"

"Yeah, really well, you?" Harry said, sitting down at the table.

"Amazing." Louis said. "I never wake up this early though."

Harry glanced at the clock, it was barely eight a.m.

"I usually wake up pretty early" Harry said, sipping his coffee "ow... Hot" Louis laughed.

"No work today?" Harry shook his head.

"But I have classes... Not till the noon though."

"Are you a breakfast person?" Louis said. "Cause I don't think I have any food"

"That's alright, really, I'll grab something to eat on the way."

"I'm hungry" Louis said opening drawer after drawer to find something. "Nothing... I have nothing."

"Why don't you come with me to grab breakfast, there's this diner I love, it's pretty close."

"Okay, it's a date" Louis said, closing the drawers, making Harry choke on the coffee. He wondered if Louis really meant it, but then decided not to over think it. Why ruin the good thing.

They went out as soon as Harry finished his coffee, walking slowly in the cold November day. It was very quiet and Harry remembered how they walked after the hospital. The realization that it was only three days ago hit him. Has it really been only three days?! It felt like forever.

They went in the diner, talking playfully as they ate, and then a little bit longer, making Harry late for his class.

***

It's been a month since Harry and Louis were a thing. It was amazing, breathtaking, marvelous but Harry felt uneasy.

"It's like we're stuck" he told Annie, while she was playing with his hair.

"What do you mean stuck?" 

"I mean... We hang out and have fun, we fuck, and it's the best lay I've ever had, but at the end of the day I feel like we're just friends with benefits or something. There is no progress, no relationship growth. I feel like he doesn't want to let me in..."

"Some people are more private than others, babe, you can't expect the same things from everyone, accordingly, every relationship is different, for the better or for the worse."

"I know, but I really like him. Like, really, really, really like him. I haven't liked someone like this, ever. I want everything with him. I want him to be open with me and trust me but I don't know how to do it. Every time I try to talk about him, he changes the subject. It's been a month and I talk to him almost every day, still, I feel like I don't know anything about him."

"You don't know his past maybe, that's different. You know him now, his habits, preferences, his humor, you do know him, you're just missing some information, that's it. If he wants to talk about it, he will. Give it some time, but if it's a really big issue for you, you can just talk to him, or distance yourself from him and do like a soft break up or something."

"No, I don't want that. I feel like I can't lose him, it scares the shit out of me how strongly I want him in my life. I don't know what it is about him..."

"I don't know either, could be chemistry or magic, either way, if you want him then you'll figure it out, don't be afraid of breaking your heart, it's better than to never feel."

"Is it though? I always kept it simple, avoiding feelings and it was working just fine."

"But doesn't it feel amazing now?"

"Mostly, yes, but I can't fully relax. I feel so far away from everything else when I'm with him, he makes me feel so special l forget the reality and when it hits me I feel shitty, because I want everything with him and he might not feel the same."

"He might not, but don't think like that, just enjoy it, if it's not meant to last, at least you'll have good memories, alright?"

"Won't it hurt more?"

"Won't it be worth it?"

"I don't know."

***

Harry woke up with intense feeling of happiness in his chest that made him want to smile and jump around. He felt soft kisses on his shoulder.

"Morning, cutie" Louis whispered.

"Morning" Harry mumbled, turning around to look at Louis.

"Hey" he said stroking his cheek.

"Hi baby" Louis said, kissing his nose, then lips. They looked at each other for a few seconds before Harry snuggled to his chest, wrapping his arms around Louis' waist.

"Do you have any plans today?" Louis asked.

"Not really, why?"

"I just feel like having a lazy day in, like, stay in bed, watch shitty movies and maybe get high, you interested?"

"Very interested." Harry kissed his chest. Louis' stomach grumbled, making Harry laugh. "Want me to make you breakfast?"

"Would you? You're the best!" Louis said, pulling him in a deep kiss.

Harry was in the middle of flipping pancakes when he felt arms wrap around his waist, head resting between his shoulder blades. Smile took over his face. Just live in the moment, he told himself, take whatever he gives you.

Loud swing of the front door started them, making Louis jump back, he was about to go check when they head the loud voice.

"Louis William Tomlinson you better be dead because I am about to smack you." The voice got closer as the girl with long blonde hair walked into the kitchen.

"I've been calling you for hours what the ..." She stopped talking, looking Harry up and down. He became painful aware that he was only wearing Louis' sweatpants, suddenly feeling very uncomfortable. "Oh hi" the girl smiled, glancing at Louis with a smirk. "I'm Lottie, Louis' favorite sister and you are?" 

"Harry" he said, awkwardly shaking her hand.

She looked at her brother, slightly shaking her head. 

"So Harry, I see you're making pancakes?" She sat on the kitchen counter.

"Yeah, they'll be done in a minute, want some?"

"I like him" she said after nodding, making herself comfortable at the table. Louis mouthed sorry at Harry before following his sister.

"Lottie, what are you doing here?" He asked.

"I've been calling you, boo, I was worried, I missed you so here I am, meeting the boyfriend you forgot to mention." She raised her brows, whispering the last part. Harry pretended he didn't hear any of that as he put the pancakes on the plate, setting the table before joining them.

 

"It was delicious Harry, thank you" Lottie said after they were done eating. she excused herself and went to the bathroom.

"Sorry, I didn't know she was coming" Louis said.

"No, no, she's really cool." Harry said, gathering plates. "I think I'm gonna leave though, don't want to intrude on brother sister time together."

"Or" Louis said, blocking Harry's way, pressing him to the kitchen counter "you could stay and hang out with us?" 

"Are you sure" Harry said, his heart warming.

"Yes, please" Louis said, sweetly kissing his lips.

"Okay, I'd love that" Harry said kissing him back.

"So, lovebirds, got any cigarettes? I'm dying over here." Lottie said, startling them as she poured herself some coffee.

"Yeah, they're on the balcony." Louis said making his way there, leading Harry with their hands intertwined.

"So how long has this been a thing?" Lottie said, taking a drag of her cigarette.

Harry didn't say anything, waiting for Louis to answer.

"Not long, you nosy" Louis said, pinching her side. Trying to change the subject.

"I'm not intruding am I?" She asked.

"No" they both said in union, making Lottie smile.

"Well then, what are plans for today big brother."

"We were just going to hang out, get high maybe?" Louis said, putting out his cigarette.

"Same old Louis..." she said fondly.

Suddenly it hit Harry that he didn't even know Louis had siblings. One more thing he never talked about, his family.

It was early evening when Lottie decided to leave, after getting high, eating all the delivery food and rapping flawlessly at least five Eminem songs. 

Harry decided he really liked her, she was fun and smart. Seeing Louis around his sister was different, he seemed more relaxed and happy.

"I love her so much, I'm a shit brother for not talking to her for two weeks." 

"Yeah you are, she's so awesome."

"She really likes you" Louis said sitting down on the couch next to Harry." She hated every single person that I was seeing, she refuses to meet them.

"Why?" Harry asked.

"Because usually I tend to hang out with people who are bad for me."

"Bad how?"

"Just bad." Harry sighed.

"Don't do that" 

"Do what?"

"Deflect" Harry said " it feels like I know nothing about you, you never tell me anything."

"You don't need to know all that shit, believe me"

"Maybe, but I want to Louis" Harry paused "I really like you but I feel like you're not open with me, I don't even know where we stand."

"Where do you want us to stand?" Louis asked, looking carefully at Harry.

"I don't know..."

"Why label stuff, Harry? I feel good with you, and I like you. Why can't this be enough?" Louis said looking down.

"I don't like to be stuck in one place, I want to know you better." Louis sighed.

"What do you want to know?" Louis said after a few seconds.

"I want to know everything, I want to know about your family and friends, I want to know about your past relationships, I want to know what makes you you, wanna know every boring detail of your work life, I want to know everything." Harry said.

"Okay" Louis said.

"Okay?!" Harry said after a minute of silence.

"My first boyfriend was an asshole." Louis started. "I was sixteen, he was twenty eight and I thought it was love. I thought it was romantic how we were hiding because he had a girlfriend and was in the closet, we were together more than a year before I saw him with another guy. It really broke my heart, but I got over it." He paused, sighing. "The second guy I was hanging out with wasn't really a boyfriend, I was with him because after the first one I got myself a self esteem issues, after three months I realized I didn't really like him. A year after I only had one night stands and friends with benefits, after that there was this guy who I really liked, but turned out he was a fucking psychopath. He beat the shit out of me when he was drunk once, so that sucked. Other than that just small flings that never really went anywhere."

"Wow" Harry said.

"But you Harry styles, are the worst of them, because you want to get to know me, want to make me feel, don't you?" Louis said half jokingly.

"Is that so bad?" Harry asked.

"I haven't decided yet. Frankly I don't really care." Louis said pulling Harry in a deep kiss. 

***

Harry was supposed to meet Louis at 10 pm, after he finished work, it was half past eleven and Louis wasn't answering his phone.

"Lou, where are you? I'm getting really worried please call me." Harry sent his sixth message, pacing back and forth on the pavement, trying to warm up.

A few minutes later his phone started ringing.

"Hello?"

"Harry it's me" Louis said "sorry I couldn't make it, I had some... issue."

"I've been calling and texting you, I was so worried, are you alright? what happened?"

"Nothing, just a little fight"

"What fight? Where are you?"

"I'm at the police station, look don't worry, just go home and we'll hang out tomorrow."

"Are you crazy? Tell me which station, I'm coming right now."

Ten minutes later Harry was at the station, looking around. Louis was standing in the main room, sitting down. He had a huge bruise on his left eye, swollen lip and dried blood on his knuckles. He was staring at the floor, he looked tired.

"Hey" Harry said, gently hugging Louis "how are you feeling?"

"I'm alright, just want to get out of here."

"Alright baby, let's get you home"

"Will you come with me?"

"Of course, love" Harry said kissing his forehead.

The taxi ride was quiet, Louis was looking out the window and Harry was staring at him, gently holding his hand.

Harry only spoke once they were inside, sitting in the kitchen as Louis poured them some rum.

"So what happened?"

"It's nothing, I swear, I was at the bar, hanging out with my friends and some guys started fucking with us, one thing led to another and we were fighting, the next thing I knew we were at the station, till one of our friends bailed us out, I called you straight away, and waited till you got there. It was all just stupid."

"Is it just your face? Does something else hurt?" Louis lifted up his sweater, revealing huge bruise on his ribs.

"Babe" Harry said, gently touching around it.

"The doctor checked it out, nothing's broken, it doesn't really hurt that much."

"Fuck..." Harry said.

"Can we just sleep?" Louis said, pulling down his sweater "I'm tired."

"Yeah, sure" Harry answered.

Louis fell asleep in seconds but Harry couldn't. He couldn't help but feel uneasy. Louis was being so reckless, it made him anxious. 

What if one of those days everything wouldn't be fine. It seemed adventurous first but now it was getting crazy. 

He felt like Louis wasn't being honest about the situation, feeling angry that after all this time he still couldn't get inside Louis' shell. 

Harry felt sad, suddenly wanting to get away from Louis. Maybe Annie was right, maybe there's something really wrong with him.

Harry tried not to think about any of it. He would just believe whatever Louis told him, because there was no rational reason not to. He closed his eyes, trying to go to sleep. 

'Everything will be alright.' he thought.


	3. Chapter 3

It was Saturday night on a rainy day when Harry got the message after barely hearing anything from Louis in almost two weeks.

He was brushing his teeth, about to go to bed when he heard the phone beep.

"What are you doing right now?" It said, no hello, no explanation, nothing. Just six dry, empty words.

Harry sighed, tired of this bullshit. Louis always did that, always the same crap and frankly he was sick of it. 

He would hang out with Harry every day, they'd be inseparable for weeks, he made him feel like he was the only one that mattered to him. 

They did crazy things Harry never even thought about doing, They drank and got high and talked for hours on end.

It was the first time in Harry's life when he felt so alive, was having the time of his life and yet he felt like there was emptiness in his chest, the abyss left by Louis every time he disappeared for days, barely texting back, being vague about where he was or what he was doing, deflecting questions with empty, neutral answers. 

The thing was, even after six months Harry had no idea what they were to each other, accordingly there was no room for confrontation, jealousy or questions. Louis made it pretty clear that Harry wasn't entitled to act like his boyfriend. 

Sometimes he thought they were more than anything a label could fit, that he didn't need words to feel or for it to be enough, but it was a lie, at the times like these he felt like he was nothing to Louis, not even a friend, just a drinking buddy with benefits.

Harry hated so much that he wasn't able to be with him properly, to know him like nobody else, to love him the way he could, the way he tries to convince himself he doesn't already.

This time though, Louis disappeared for more than a couple days, it's been almost two weeks since he's even heard from him. After three days he gave up on trying to reach him. Louis could have been dead and Harry wouldn't know. One may think he'd be used to all that by now, but what sucked the most was, he just couldn't accept that, he didn't think he ever would.

Sometimes he wished he never met Louis, never learned to put thoughts of him on the background of his everyday life, never learned his small habits, never imprinted every inch of his skin in his brain. He wishes he simply didn't care, but it was too late for that now. He was in too deep to just turn his back on Louis. He felt weak and pathetic but he felt like he hit the point of no return.

So receiving message from him past midnight was infuriating, relieving and painful at the same time, and Harry didn't know what to do, so he did something that would probably make him hate himself more in the future - he answered.

"Nothing, I'm home, you?" The reply came in seconds.

"Can I come over now?" 

"Sure." Harry wrote back, putting on some sweatpants and placing few things back to their places as he waited for Louis to show up.

After four minutes there was a light knock on the door and Harry opened it only to be attacked by a hug, force of which made him take a few steps back, throwing him in the middle of the room. 

Louis arms clinged to him like he was a lifeline and he couldn't help but relax into it. They stood there, eyes closed, souls filled with emotions, as the front door hang open, for what felt like forever, just feeling each other's presence. 

Now that Louis was back and suddenly real again, Harry's chest filled with variety of emotions, making every nerve in his body come alive. He remembered why he waited every time, no matter what, and took him back on his terms, playing his games over and over again. To feel this.

After the minutes passed and the door was closed they sat silently, Louis halfway in Harry's lap, resting his head on his shoulder, feathery hair brushing softly on his neck as Harry counted his breaths. 

Louis' breath smelled like whiskey and cigarettes, he seemed calm, letting his eyes wonder on the wall, unconsciously trying to make sense out of meaningless patterns. 

Harry tried to remember the last time they had the courage to stay sober with each other, if there even was such time.

Dark circles underneath Louis' eyes told the stories of sleepless nights, telling Harry everything he needed to know but not nearly enough to make sense of anything.

Louis' hair felt soft on Harry's fingers as he let them get lost in it, affection almost louder than the silence as Louis brushed up his nose against the thin skin of his wrist.

Twenty minutes in and Harry didn't dare speak. Too afraid to bring them to reality, too lost in the spell that this moment held. Common sense has been known to ruin things sometimes, yet he couldn't help the tagging feeling in his chest wanting to hear all the unspoken that felt too unreal without words.

"Where have you been, Lou?" He asked with a low voice, wondering if it was the right question to begin with. Wondering if he wanted to know, if he cared, if it could change anything.

"I needed some time" Louis said, emotionless, not taking his eyes off the wall. "Can't keep torturing myself when I'm with you."

"Why would you want to do that?" Harry asked, trying not to focus too much on the heaviness in his chest.

"Because sometimes the worst punishment is not paying for your sins, and I'm a selfish person." Louis said, trying not to let his voice break. 

Silence filled the room once again as Harry slightly turned to look at him, placing a kiss on his forehead as he tried his best not to meet his eyes. Harry understood.

"I'm sorry" Louis said suddenly as quiet sob escaped his mouth, making Harry flinch. "I'm sorry I've been such shit to you... I..." 

Louis looked up and Harry wished he had stayed silent. His blue, watering eyes were so overflowed with pain, regret, heavy with silence. He looked shattered.

Harry gently cupped his cheek, trying to figure out what to do to comfort him, to make it better. He figured out in seconds he couldn't, so he was left with dozen of abrupt gestures and words dead on his tongue before his lungs had the chance to breath life into them. 

"Do you want to tell me?" He finally choked out, trying not to show too much emotion, trying to be strong for him.

Louis shook his head, unable to speak, making the heavy tears drop from his eyes, coloring his jeans darker. Harry wrapped his arms around the smaller boy, pulling him to his chest as he shook weakly, trying to mute his unwilling sobs. Out of anything better to offer, Harry just held him.

***

The month had passed in a drunken haze and a long night conversations about nothing at all. Their bodies lost in the comforting heat, constantly craving the softness of each other's skin.

Harry felt like Louis tried more, but he also thought that maybe words didn't matter after all, maybe he could make it work and be happy with what he had.

Still his heart sank in his chest every time he couldn't say how he felt, too scared of overstepping invisible boundaries.

Sun had barely rised when Harry cracked his eyes, smile taking over his face at the sight of a sleeping boy in his arms. His hands reached to trace the soft lines of Louis' face.

He got up quietly, slowly closing the bedroom door behind him. He settled for a quick shower, Louis was hungry last night, he would be craving breakfast.

He was about to wake Louis up when he heard skin touch the tiles. Louis lazily walked out of the bedroom, wearing nothing but his boxers.

"Hey baby!" He said with a huge grin, rushing to Harry to pull him down for a kiss. 

"Hey" Harry said, wrapping Louis in his arms. "Why are you barefoot? You're going to get cold" 

"I just couldn't wait to kiss you" Harry chuckled "you're too cute" Louis placed soft kisses on his neck before ending them with a slow drag of his teeth, leaving a pink trace on his neck.

"Ouch" Harry pinched his side and Louis laughed. "If I knew you were gonna be this nasty I wouldn't have made you breakfast."

"I'm sorry?" Louis said charmingly, with a huge mischievous grin, his arms still resting on Harry's shoulders.

"No you're not" Harry said with a chuckle as he reached for the plates.

They ate in a comfortable silence, smiling at each other every two seconds, their legs intertwined under the table. 

"I'm gonna make tea, you want some?" Harry asked as he put away dirty dishes.

"Absolutely!" Louis said excited "I'm gonna shower real quick" he got up to leave before turning back "breakfast was delicious by the way, thank you" he said, pecking his lips.

"You're welcome" Harry said, putting the kettle on as he watched Louis walk into the bathroom.

"Babe?" Louis said loudly from the bathroom, walking towards the kitchen where Harry was almost done making tea.

"Hmm?" Harry hummed in acknowledgement, encouraging Louis to go on.

"Who's toothbrush is that in the bathroom?" He asked looking down, rubbing few drops of water left from the shower into his arm.

"What?" Harry asked, confused.

"The blue toothbrush? in your bathroom?" Louis insisted, looking at Harry restlessly, clearly irritated.

"Oh, Annie slept over the other day, must be her's." Harry answered simply, putting some sugar in the tea. "Why?" He added, looking up at Louis.

"Nothing it's just..." Louis said, biting his lip as he held himself in the middle of the room "I was just wondering, forget it."

"No, it's obviously bothering you, want to talk about it?" Harry asked, frowning.

"No, just forget it" Louis insisted.

"Lou..."

"Just drop it, alright?!" Louis snapped.

"Okay, Jesus!" Harry said, frustrated. "Whatever the fuck" 

He walked away in the living room, tea in hand, shaking his head. Way to ruin the lovely morning, he thought.

 

"I'm sorry" Louis sat down next to Harry on the couch ten minutes later, wrapping his arms around his waist, letting his head rest on his chest. Harry sighed.

"You can't do that, Lou..." He put his tea on the table to turn around and look Louis in the eyes. "You can't set all the rules about not having rules and then get jealous over a god damn toothbrush. It's not fair."

"I know..." Louis said "sorry, I overreacted" 

"Maybe you want to like..." Harry paused, collecting his thoughts "overthink?" 

"Overthink what?" Louis asked without a heartbeat passing.

"You know what Louis... You said you didn't want to be exclusive and I'm fine with it, although if you want to change that all you have to do is ask." Harry observed Louis' face. He was looking down, his lips slightly moving, not forming any words.

"No, Harry... We talked about that, I like how we are now... I don't want to ruin it with expectations, they always lead to disappointment." Louis mumbled, playing with a sleeve of his shirt.

"Alright, but in that case you can't do shit like this, alright?" 

"Yeah, it's only fair." Louis said, his voice heavy with sadness. " Now, can we just please watch some annoyingly happy movie from your collection and cuddle before we need to get ready for the party?" 

"Of course baby." Harry said, biting his tongue to not let the disappointment slip. 

Truth be told he had hooked up with only one guy after getting with Louis, right after Louis emphasized they weren't really together like that, but it was mostly out of spite. He didn't really enjoy it, so he stopped, not that he would let Louis know that.

He wanted Louis to be just his, but didn't want to push him. He wanted Louis to want the same. He didn't know how long he could go on like this, because he was pretty sure he was in love with him. 

He couldn't stop but wonder how many people he was sharing Louis with and even the thought of it was killing him, but it was too late to turn back now.

It scared him so much... He never thought he'd fall in love with a person who didn't love him back. It would be so much easier if Louis didn't care about him at all. There would be no doubts and uncertainty, he would just move on, but Louis did care, he showed so much affection, making everything thousand times more complicated.

Harry tried shutting out bad thoughts as he pressed their bodies closer, cuddling Louis to his chest as he placed kisses on the back of his hand.

***

It was past eleven when they finally made it to the party Louis' close friend was hosting. Harry always got annoyed by Louis' unpunctuality but Louis thought finishing the second movie was totally worth it.

The party seemed bigger than they were told it would be, there were people all around the yard and inside the house, most already drunk or high.

 

Louis found his friends, introducing him just as "Harry" to the ones that didn't know him, like he was some guy he just picked up, like he was so irrelevant Louis wouldn't even call him a friend. It annoyed him a little but he tried not to think about it. They took a couple of shots, trying to talk with Louis' friends over the loud music. Most of them were pretty cool, Harry thought.

After a while Louis gripped his arm, pulling him through bodies of dancing people. Louis started to move his body to the rhythm, smiling, hands on Harry's hips, pulling him close, teasingly brushing up against him. 

Dancing with Louis felt like the world had stopped and stared spinning around them. It probably shouldn't be romantic considering they were basically squeezed between drunk, sweaty people but somehow everything was perfect when Louis was looking at him like he's the only one in the room, kissing his neck softly after jokingly scolding him for not relaxing his body more.

"I'm gonna get some drinks" Harry said later, going to the kitchen after Louis nodded.

Guy dressed in a red shirt approached Harry as he was getting rum from the table.

"Great party, innit?" He said loudly.

"Yeah, It's really fun" Harry said, politely smiling. He wasn't in a mood for small talk, he just wanted to drink and get back to Louis as soon as possible.

"Are you one of Jack's friends he keeps telling me about?" He said, getting way closer to Harry than he was comfortable with.

"I don't think so, no" Harry said, a little bit annoyed.

"Want to dance?" the guy said, touching Harry's arm, leaning close.

"No, thank you" Harry said, pulling back "I've got to go back to my friends, it was nice meeting you" he walked fast towards the bathroom, thankfully finding it empty.

He came out to find the guy leaning to the wall outside the door.

"We have to stop meeting like this" the guy said with a cheesy smirk, barely holding his balance, Harry wanted to cringe, roll his eyes or both, but he just gave the guy a polite smile, as he stepped away from him. The guy tried to grab his waist, making Harry finally snap. He pushed the guy to the wall, holding him by the collar of his shirt.

"Listen buddy, I am not interested, so leave me the fuck alone, alright?" He glared at him, letting him go after the nod.

"Whatever" the guy said, walking away, sorting his clothes on his way out.

Second after the guy disappeared into the hallway, he saw Louis approaching and his body relaxed on instinct, smile spreading on his lips.

"Hey" Harry said with a small smile "I was about to look for you"

"I can see that" Louis answered sarcastically, with his face cold.

"What do you mean?" Harry frowned at the rude response.

"Nothing, it's not like it's any of my business." Louis said bitterly. He turned around and left the room, Leaving Harry with his mouth open from the confusion.

Harry couldn't figure out if he was pissed because Harry left him for too long or because he was too drunk, looking for a trouble. Either way he felt upset, standing in the hallway alone.

 

Apparently Louis didn't really want to hang out with Harry, he was chatting and laughing with people across the room. In order to give him some space, Harry went to get more shots, he drank a few out of pure boredom, glancing towards Louis from time to time. Eventually he felt drunk enough to go dance by himself.

His hips rolled in the rhythm, arms flying in the air. He felt the music go through his veins, making his body move on instinct. With his eyes closed and head spinning, entire world seemed so easy and light, that he felt like he could just breath it in while his body was swaying to the beats.

It was the kind of moment when you feel complete and happy, rid of everyday problems and struggles, all the thoughts that make your head heavy. 

It was magical, and Harry loved every second of it. He should have kept it that way, should have never opened his eyes and looked around for a certain someone who he wanted to share this feeling with. That way, he wouldn't have seen the guy standing way too close to his lover, kissing his lips, arms wrapped around his waist. 

The first thing he felt was alert, he felt his body tense, focusing on the way the guy kissed Louis, his Louis.

Ten came the anger, making his fist crunch. He wanted to go over there and punch the guy, punch Louis and punch everyone.

Anger was replaced with heaviness and disappointment. His heart sank in his chest, pumping pure sadness in his veins.

Then came the panic, It felt like there was too much oxygen that Harry couldn't breathe in. He felt the strong itch to get out, to get away from this place as fast as he could, leaving all this people behind.

He was aware that too much alcohol made it hard for his body to function properly, yet somehow he made his legs move, going as fast as he could.

His head was fuzzy and he felt like he was about to vomit, so he tried to concentrate on the air leaving his lungs.

It wasn't until he walked for a few minutes, that he collapsed, his back against the fence, crying hysterically, bending himself in two.

Involuntary sobs escaped his mouth, making his body tremble. He felt so stupid and humiliated, so sad and lost, he just wanted to go home, get into bed and sleep for days. He wiped his eyes, his breathing still heavy, silence around him still filled with occasional sobs. 

He straightened himself, taking a deep breath and holding it for a few seconds. He needed to get away. He looked at the road, as the few cars passed him. He focused, trying to manage catching a taxi. 

He opened the door of his flat, going straight to the bedroom as he left his clothes on the way. He let his hody drop on the bed, letting out a loud sigh turning into a sob. He grabbed a pillow pressing it to his chest after he wrapped the blanket tightly around him.

He tried to make his head stop spinning so he could shut off his brain and sleep but he couldn't. He laid awake for what felt like forever, not really knowing when his drunk thoughts turned into the dreams.

***

Twenty four. Louis called him twenty four times and Harry didn't even think answering once. He didn't want to hear his voicemails, or read his messages. He laid in bed, repeating endless circle of crying and sleeping. It was like he woke up to find himself in a nightmare every single time.

It was four pm when Louis knocked on his door. He didn't open, just changed the side he was lying on, waiting for him to leave.

"Harry, I know you're home, please open the door." Harry didn't answer. "I'm not leaving till you open." He added. Harry sighed and got up, he went to the bathroom to sort himself out. He still looked like shit, eyes and nose puffed from all the crying.

He walked to door looking out of the peephole. Louis was leaning against the door, looking down.

Harry opened the door, standing still as Louis made his way inside.

"Hey" Louis said, instantly looking up. "Can we talk please?"

"Sure" Harry said, his voice breaking, he coughed to clean his throat.

"I was worried, why did you leave, you weren't answering your phone?" Louis started. Harry laughed bitterly.

"You have to be fucking kidding me" he said, glaring at Louis. "What the fuck is wrong with you? You were making out with some guy, was I supposed to wait till you were done?" Harry shook his head. "I get not being exclusive but not fucking someone while I'm under the same roof is a matter of human decency and some fucking respect, I can't believe you did that." Harry said, raising his voice, unable to control his emotions.

"You didn't seem too bothered when you were hooking up with that guy in the bathroom." Louis said, defensively.

"So that's what it was?" Harry shook his head "Nothing happened Louis, he was harassing me and I told him to fuck off. I can not believe you!" Harry said, rubbing his face in distress. "I can't let you keep hurting me because you think this is some kind of fucking competition, I'm so tired of this shit. You don't know what the fuck you want and your insecurities are making my life miserable. You let them control you and you just keep hurting me because you doubt yourself, me and fucking everything around you."

He saw color leave Louis face as he stood started from his words. He opened his mouth to speak for a few times, closing it right back.

"Fuck, I'm sorry okay? I fucked up..." Louis finally choked out, reaching to touch Harry but he took a step back.

"No Louis, it is not okay. I honestly hope you'll get your shit together but I'm done playing games, I'm done pretending I'm fine with this arrangement, who the fuck are we kidding anyway? You get jealous over every stupid thing and have no faith in me." Harry said, tired of the same old excuses.

"I'm sorry... I just..." Louis spoke, panicked.

"You what?" Louis didn't speak, his eyes were watery, he was just starting at Harry unable to speak. 

"Just leave, Louis, please." He said, trying to calm down, wiping his tears.

Louis stood frozen for a couple of seconds before nodding, turning around and leaving.

Quiet sobs escaped Harry's mouth as soon as he closed the door behind Louis.

It would be alright. At least he knew what to do now, it would be hard but he would get over him. What was the point in trying? Louis didn't even care enough to fight for him.

***

It was a quiet night on August, Harry was curled up on a couch with a laptop in his lap, finishing up his assignment when he heard a quiet knock on the door.

He got up, lazily walking to the door. He frowned in surprise and confusion when he saw Lottie standing on the other side of the door, looking like she hasn't slept in a week.

"Lottie, come on in, is everything alright?" He said, his heart fluttering with anxiety.

"Sorry for coming here this late, but I think we need to talk" she said, walking in. She hang her coat and handbag on the hook, making herself comfortable on the armchair.

"Sure, what's up?" Harry asked, sitting opposite her.

"It's Louis... I'm very worried about him..." She started.

"Lottie, Louis and I... We broke up." Harry said, looking down "I haven't even spoken to him in weeks."

"I know, that's the problem... Look just listen." She said, sitting up straight. "There are things about Louis that you probably don't know, and I think it's time someone told you, because you're more important to him than you might think. I just want to tell you some things and then you decide what to do with all this." 

"Alright, what is it?" Harry asked, concentrated, leaning forward with his fingers intertwined.

"The first thing I want you to know is, he's been in an accident about a week ago" Harry tensed up, holding his breath before he heard the next words leave her mouth. "He's alive, has a couple broken bones and shit ton of bruises but he'll make complete recovery. He's fine... Physically... But I can't help but think that maybe it wasn't even an accident." Lottie said, looking up to prevent tears from falling.

"What do you mean?" Harry asked, hoping he had read her words wrong.

"I think that maybe he did it on purpose, Harry, and I'm so scared. He's been conscious for five days, he barely speaks to anyone, I've never seen him like this..." She wiped a tear, taking a shaky breath. "That's why I decided to speak with you, I'm really desperate." 

Harry took her shaking hands in his, comforting her, waiting patiently for her to go on.

"Sorry... Um..." She wiped her eyes "I don't know where to start so I guess I'll start from the beginning. Louis might seem chill, fun and confident and he mostly is, but he's got some really big issues. It hasn't really been easy for him. He used to be the most sensitive and kind person as a child, he wouldn't even kill a fly, he was always a joy to be around." She smiled at the memories "he was so protective of me and my sisters, always took care of us and put us first. My dad isn't Louis' dad, I don't know if you knew that" Harry nodded, he remembered Louis mentioning it briefly.

"My dad was a good father, but he had his beliefs and he felt really strongly about some stuff... He wasn't really acceptive of Louis' sexuality, he never hurt him or anything, but he always made some comments and it was really hard on Louis. Finally he snapped and came out to him when he was thirteen, yelling in the middle of kitchen that he was gay and he needed to stop talking things like that, the whole family was there, my little sisters didn't really understand it back then, but I did. My mom and I were supportive of course, but not my dad, he treated him like shit, like he was less of a human being, barely looking at him and being mean if he spoke to him. Eventually my mom divorced him because of that, I know Louis still blames himself, he talks about it sometimes when he's really drunk."

"Wow, he never told me any of it... He never really tells me anything like that... I guess that was part of the problem" Harry said.

"It's not you Harry, after dad left, he got more private, he didn't trust anyone, avoided talking about himself, always trying to compensate it with jokes or sarcasm. He always used to try to make people laugh, still does, because he thinks if they laugh they'll like him. It makes me sad sometimes to think about that."

"Yeah, I've noticed, it just hurts me that he thinks he needs to try so hard for people to like him, he's such a beautiful person, I just..." Harry looked down, resting his head on his arms.

"His relationships weren't good either, I don't know why, but he mostly got with people who treated him like shit, making him feel bad about himself, maybe that's what he thought he deserved. It's not my place to tell you about that, but basically most of his relationships were abusive in one way or another, he got cheated on more often than I can remember, he thinks he's numb to it by now, but he's really not. He has huge trust issues, he doesn't believe that anyone could love him enough to stay with him."

"That's bullshit, Lottie, I get that but how can't he see how I feel about him? He kept playing this stupid games with me, he really hurt me... I get that he has issues, but I've got them too. His problems don't justify him treating me like shit, I deserve better." Harry said, frowning in disappointment.

"I know, he's been shit to you, but I also know he can be self centered and way too insecure to think anyone cares enough to be hurt by what he does. I'm not trying to make excuses for him, I'm just trying to make you understand him better." Lottie said rubbing the bridge of her nose. "I've never seen him feel the way about anyone like he feels about you, so it's important for me to clear things up. Harry, he was so happy with you, so free, his eyes lit up every time he talked about you. When his with you it's like he forgets about anything else, it's so beautiful to watch."

"Yet he never really let me get to know him, he never really gave me a chance, and that makes me extremely sad." Harry said, biting the inside of his cheek.

"He tried his best Harry, I know he did. It's just hard for him to trust, I talked to him so much that he should drop that shit about non exclusive relationship, he's so fucking monogamous and a jealous person, no way he could do it, but he's just afraid that he will get cheated on again, so he thinks if he lets you, it's not cheating and it won't break his heart. It's like a safety net for him."

"All I wanted was to be with him, properly, why doesn't he get that? I never even hooked up with anyone for months, I don't want anyone else if I could have him."

"That's why I'm here Harry." Lottie said " because I feel like maybe you love him, too." 

"I don't know what you expect from me Lots, I have no idea what to do."

"I don't know either, but maybe you can figure it out? There's one more thing I want to talk to you about" she said, taking a deep breath "Louis has developed kind of self distractive behavior throughout the years, it all started when he was eighteen, I can not tell you about what happened, it's not my place... I'm just going to say that everything I told you about is nothing compared to the way that thing fucked him up. That's where it started, all the drinking, even drugs sometimes, but that's not it. He has some history of depression and in order not to fall back into this state of not feeling he goes to extremes, he does things that can harm him, kill him, even. He needs adrenaline to feel alive, needs to feel something. He races with motorcycles, bungee jumps, does all kind of stupid shit, like sometimes he pisses people off on purpose so they bit him up, he had ended up in hospital so many times because of it. It's like he wants some sort of pain that he chooses to feel, he keeps punishing himself for the things of the past, he just can't let them go. does that makes sense?"

"So you think the accident was one of those things?" Harry asked not taking his eyes off of her.

"Maybe" she said thoughtfully "Maybe it really was an accident, or maybe it was something much serious"

"Like?"

"Like maybe he wanted to die" Lottie blurted out, making Harry freeze, blood rushing to his head, making it feel heavy.

"You don't really think he tried to kill himself, do you?"

"It has happened before" Lottie said quietly, not meeting his eyes "it was many years ago thought, we barely managed to save him... That's why I'm scared, that's why I'm here, telling you stuff I probably shouldn't be telling anyone." She looked him in the eyes. "Because you make him feel without danger or harm, you make him feel in the right way, he needs it more than he knows and oddly, I trust you Harry."

"My God, Lottie, what do I do with all this now?" He shook his head, trying to come up with some kind of answer. 

"I don't know, maybe you could talk to him, try to fix things, if you want?" 

"I want nothing more, but it's not that simple"

"He loves you, Harry, it's that simple"

"I don't know if that's true" Harry said, looking down.

"Well, I do." She insisted "and I know you love him, too. I have to go now, thank you for listening to me. I hope you two will figure it out." She got up, walking to the door. Harry hugged her before she walked out the door with a sad smile.

Harry closed the door, sliding down against it, burying his head in his hands. What was he supposed to do now? He got what he wanted, he understood a lot of things now, but he had no idea what to do with them.

"Shit" he said kicking the wall. Realizing he was completely and utterly fucked.


	4. Chapter 4

Harry didn't end up reaching out to Louis, but he decided he'd be willing to speak to him if he asked, deep down he wished Louis would call, imagining all kinds of scenarios in his head, thinking for hours and hours about every possible detail till it drove him insane.

Accordingly, he hasn't been sleeping that well lately. Counting sheep was no longer an expression, rather it has become something he actually considered doing, because what better way to fall asleep then counting imaginary farm animals.

His insides itched every time he heard water drop from the bathroom sink he was supposed to fix days ago. He laid awake on his back, staring at the ceiling, unable to make his eyes close. 

"Fuck" he breathed out. 

"Fuck" he muttered.

"Fuck" he yelled. 

His fist collided with a pillow and his body followed, rolled on the stomach he hid his face into the pillow, he was angry. Angry at Louis for fucking everything up, angry at Lottie for telling him things he'd probably be better off not knowing, but most of all he was angry at himself for getting into this whole mess.

His chest was vibrating with anxiety as he got up, knowing he wouldn't be able to fall asleep anytime soon. He ran his fingers through the knots in his hair, taking a deep breath on the way to the kitchen.

Maybe he was finally losing his mind, he thought, maybe if he was crazy he wouldn't feel so responsible to do something. Wouldn't feel like if he didn't try again regret would haunt him forever. He was never a quitter, he always tried and tried if there was even a small chance of success. 

Seeing Lottie and hearing her out was hard, but it wasn't before she left that it finally hit Harry. He realized how fucked up Louis really was, how fucked up their relationship had been, how fucked up he has become.

The thing was, most of the time Harry was able to hold his shit together, but he was only human. He had issues too, insecurities, doubts. He liked to think he left it behind years ago, like his old home or his favorite sweater. He liked to think he outgrew depression, insomnia, dramatic, inadequate thoughts that fucked with his head. He was alright now, he promised himself when he was seventeen that he would never let the irrational part of him take over.

Yet here he was, drinking tea, sitting on the floor with his back against the radiator at 5:37 am trying to ignore the fucking water drops that were somehow getting louder by the second.

What if Lottie was wrong and Louis didn't love him. Let's say Harry talked to him, gave him another chance, that Louis might not even want. What if Louis looked at him like he was stupid, pathetic, crazy, what if he laughed in his face. Harry felt humiliated just from thinking about it.

But what if he did love him? What if they got back together? What if it was the same old thing? What if nothing changed? Harry couldn't take it anymore.

 

***

"Absolutely not!" Annie said with her body tense and face serious, as he tried to come up with ways to talk to Louis "You can't fall back into bad habits H, you know better than that."

Harry looked down, nervously biting on his lip. What if Annie was right and talking to Louis was indeed a bad idea.

"I have to try, I'm in love with him" he whispered, looking up at her with watering eyes, making Annie's face go soft as she wrapped him in her arms. 

"I know, love, I know" she sighed, rubbing his back soothingly.

***

As much as Harry wanted to speak to Louis, he didn't know how. He couldn't just go and talk to him, didn't want to call or text, anxiety was eating his insides every time he even though about it, so he waited for perfect opportunity, any opportunity, really.

Considering Annie never liked the idea of him and Louis, it was surprising for Harry to get a message from her at eleven pm on a Wednesday night.

"Your boy is at Jenny's pub, he doesn't look so good." It simply said. Harry's chest instantly filled with panic and urgency. He threw on some clothes and got in the car to drive to his favorite pub.

The drive was short so he didn't have much time to overthink what he was going to do or say. He parked close to the pub, nearly running all the way to the door.

He went in, giving a small nod at Annie as he scanned the room. There were too many people for the middle of the week, sitting, standing and even dancing but none of them were who he was looking for. He looked back at Annie with question in his eyes after a few seconds, she shrugged, looking around confused. "maybe he's outside" she mouthed at him from across the room. Harry nodded, walking out the back door. 

His eyes tried to adjust to darkness as he looked around, noticing nothing but a small silhouette on the ground. There he was, sitting on the concrete, leaning against the wall, hiding most of his face in his arms. He was a total mess, everything from clothes to the look in his eyes. The second Harry saw him the warmth filled his heart, slowly growing into a dull ache. 

"Lou" he whispered softly, making Louis' head snap up. "Are you crying?" he asked before he could stop himself. Louis shook his head feeling his cheeks to find them wet. He looked back down.

"Hey" Harry said soothingly "are you alright?"

Louis shook his head.

"Lou, say something... Please... Are you hurt?" He shook his head again "drunk? High?" Louis just looked at him for a few seconds before looking back at the ground. His eyes were distant, like he wasn't even there. Maybe he wasn't.

"Lou what did you take?" He kneeled and put his hands on his cheeks "hey, look at me" Louis just let out a sob, like he was in pain. 

Harry realized he wasn't gonna answer any of his questions, so he looked around, trying to come up with something to say.

"Do you want me to take you home?" He got up, not waiting for the answer as he helped Louis up as well. Louis seemed to snap out of it as soon as he was standing on his feet, looking around slowly, trying to keep his balance.

Louis wiped his eyes, tried sorting his clothes but he gave up in a few seconds later, looking down in an attempt to keep the tears in. They walked in silence through the dark parking lot, no longer knowing how to be in each other's presence. 

They sat in the car but Harry didn't start driving just yet. He had too much to say and nowhere to start.

"I'm sorry" Louis broke the silence, finally looking at him "I'm so sorry Harry" he sobbed. Harry nodded at him sadly. He knew that already.

"Lou, why do you keep doing this to yourself?" 

"Doing what?"

"This..." He pointed at him, looking him up and down. "Drinking, drugs, crying, fucking things up on purpose." His voice broke at the end. He couldn't get it wrong, he was too desperate for some kind of hope.

"Because that's what I do Harry,. I'm a fuck up, I'm a goddamn mess and my biggest mistake was bringing all this shit in your life, you were right to break up with me, that's what I deserve, I know I do" he wiped another tear, looking him right in the eyes. "You are such an amazing and beautiful person, you don't deserve all this crap."

"You're right" Harry said. "I didn't deserve all that shit Louis and that you should be sorry for" Louis nodded slowly, his lip twitching. "But you don't deserve it either" Harry took Louis' hand in his "so why don't you stop torturing yourself and just let yourself be happy."

"You wouldn't understand Harry, and it's a good thing that you don't." He shifted in his seat, looking out the window. Harry sighed, rubbing his eyes for a second. Louis was obviously done talking so all he could do was start driving.

"This is all bullshit okay?" He said, getting irritated. "We all have our shit to deal with, you know? You don't have to make everything so fucking big and dramatic. All I ever wanted was to make you happy and just be with you, but now I think that maybe you simply don't want to be happy. Do you get some sick kick out of torturing yourself?" He spat out, as Louis tried to hold his sobs in. Harry was done being empathetic. 

"Nothing? You have nothing to say."

"Harry you're going too fast" Louis said with a shaky voice.

"Of course let's talk about something else, how's the fucking weather, Lou? so damn typical." He chuckled, frustrated.

"Harry please, slow down" he repeated, trying to stay calm.

"You're not even listening to me are you? god I wish I never fucking met you" Harry said, tears blurring his vision. He didn't mean it.

"Harry stop the car, stop the car please" Louis said with sobs, his loud breathing filled the car for couple of seconds. "Stop please, Luke stop!" He shouted, covering his face with his arms.

Maybe it was raising panic in his voice, or the fact that he said somebody else's name that made him stop the car, Louis immediately jumped out of it, greedily breathing in the air as he fell on the ground, trying to control the air flow in his lungs that refused to go in and only came out as sobs. 

"I'm sorry Louis, fuck" Harry said, kneeling in front of him. "Are you having a panic attack? Do you want some water?" Louis didn't respond, so he got a bottle from the car, handing it to Louis. 

After a few seconds Louis finally drank the water with small sips holding onto the bottle tightly. 

Louis wasn't crying anymore, his breathing was under control but he didn't move or speak, didn't even look at Harry, his gaze was fixed on the small rock between his feet. Suddenly he didn't look so drunk anymore.

"Louis, who's Luke?" Harry asked quietly after a few minutes of unbearable silence. 

Louis finally looked up at him.

"What?" He asked obviously tense.

"Well, in the car, you called me Luke." Harry asked, patiently waiting for him to say something, anything.

"I did?" Louis asked, his face twitching in pain for a second. Harry nodded, waiting.

"I can't tell you, you would hate me." Louis said "you should hate me, I'm a monster. I deserve for you to hate me." He said with a sudden realization. 

"Lou... I don't understand." Harry said, tensing up. Louis didn't answer. "Would you just tell me for fuck's sake?" Harry added with his voice raised.

"I killed someone, alright?" Louis snapped. "there, Luke was my best friend and I killed him." a new wave of tears made their way down his cheeks, making him cover his face.

Harry froze in shock, he was more confused than ever, he didn't trust his judgment or his ears, he didn't know what to think. The scariest thing was, he couldn't do it, couldn't hate Louis or even judge. He realized even that wasn't enough for him to want to let Louis go and it was terrifying. He tried to convince himself there was much more to the story.

"Lou what happened" Harry said slowly, after minutes of silence.

"I didn't want to, I swear" Louis said looking up, not even looking at Harry, his eyes running around like he wasn't even there. "It was so stupid, we were so young, we thought it was fun, we were drunk and I thought why not? Because what could go wrong" a bitter chuckle escaped his mouth, growing into a sob. " I said ' you should drive Luke, you're more sober than I am' and he was, but it wasn't enough, was it? and we laughed and before I knew anything there was light and it was so bright" he blinked, looking in the distance, like he was reliving it "and then everything was moving too fast and the last thing I saw was sparkling glass on the pavement and his eyes, he looked so scared Harry." Louis finally looked at him with pleading eyes, like Harry could change anything. "He looked so scared, and I couldn't do anything, I couldn't move, I couldn't even speak and tell him anything and I..." Louis dropped his head to his knees. Harry took him in his arms, shushing him.

"It's okay love, just breathe, it's over now" he said, feeling a few tears falling from his own eyes.

"It's never going to be okay, he's gone, he's dead and it will always be my fault."

"Lou... No..."

"Should have been me" Louis said quietly, making Harry shake his head and tighten his grip, like Louis was gonna disappear.

"Don't say that, please, please." Harry begged "I'm so sorry that happened to you but it's over, you can't do this to yourself Lou, it's not gonna help" Louis sobbed loudly, his body shaking.

"I fucking know... nothing helps okay? I don't know how to make it stop without making everything stop." 

"Please don't say that, please"

"I'm so tired" he looked at him, breaking the hug. There was exhaustion written all over his face.

"Lou..." Harry said hopelessly, stroking his cheek. He hated to see Louis in such pain.

"Please don't pity me" Louis pleaded "I couldn't bear, not from you" 

"No Lou, no, it's not pity... It's compassion" Harry said kissing his temple. "I just don't know what to do, I don't know how to make it better" Harry looked down.

"You already have" Louis said, touching his chin "more than you'll ever know" they looked in each other's eyes for a second "but I fucked that up too didn't I? Because as I said, that's what I do" he smiled bitterly.

"Lou... What happened to Luke... It wasn't your fault" Harry said "and you need to stop punishing yourself for it." Louis didn't say anything, but he didn't seem convinced.

They just sat there, on the grass near the road, just looking in the distance, trying to process. After a few minutes Harry got up.

"Now let's get you home, you need to sleep and then we need to talk." Louis looked at him with a mixture of fear and hope, nodding his head as he stood up and followed him silently, sitting in the car.

Harry didn't sleep next to Louis, he didn't sleep at all, he was sitting on the floor all night, even though there was enough furniture for twenty people to fit comfortably.

He thought about Louis and Luke, himself, what he was going to say when Louis woke up, if he would remember anything, if he would be embarrassed or regret telling Harry his deepest sorrow, if he would kick him out. Probably not.

It was only after seven am when he heard the sniffles coming from the bedroom, he hesitated at first, not knowing what to do, but after it didn't stop he just opened the door and went in.

"You're awake" he said. Louis head turned to him instantly.

"You're here" he said, coughing to sort his voice out "you didn't leave" he added, looking him up and down "why?" He whispered.

"You want me to leave?" Harry asked calmly, but his heart skipped a beat.

"No! No." Louis said, getting up. "I just thought you would."

"Well, I'm here." Harry said "you want some coffee? How are you feeling?" 

"Coffee sounds great" he said, making his way to the bathroom first. Harry took it upon himself to make coffee, he waited a few more minutes before Louis appeared in the doorway, sitting opposite him.

"I wanted to talk to you" Louis started "I just wasn't sure you'd be willing to... Considering all the shit I've done." Harry waited for him to add something, running his finger tip across the cup rim. 

"I wanted to say I'm sorry, I know I fucked up, like, fucked up everything and I regret it so much. I know I shouldn't have pushed all those rules, they were stupid, and I sure as fuck shouldn't have kissed that guy, especially in front of you. I should have treated you better. I'm so sorry Harry. I'm sorry that I can't be enough for you."

"What the fuck does that even mean?"

"I don't deserve you, you're too good for me, you just don't realize that yet." Louis said, looking in his eyes.

"Lou... That's bullshit. That's avoiding instead of working on things you don't like. What you do is a choice. You just need to choose right."

"I don't know what to do, H, I'm just so tired."

"I think you need to see a therapist."

"I don't know" he sighed.

"Please, just consider it, please, do it for yourself and for people who love you." Louis hesitated, looking at him for a few long seconds.

"Okay, I'll think about it" he finally said, defeated.

"Okay" he squeezed Louis hand, giving him a reassuring smile.

"Will you maybe... Give me another chance?" Louis said, holding his breath.

"Let's take this slow alright? Just see what happens." He said giving him a small smile.

"Harry, you mean so much to me... I just don't want to lose you."

"I don't want to lose you either Lou... That's why I'm here."

"Is it though?" Louis whispered, more to himself than Harry.

"What is that supposed to mean?" He asked, straightening himself.

"Nothing... I'm just still a little weird from last night... Hangover or whatever." Louis said, crossing his arms on his chest.

"I should probably go now, I'll let you rest, you probably have a lot to think about and so do I..." Louis nodded, not looking up as Harry stood up. 

"Lou" he said. Louis looked up, nervously biting his lip. Harry leaned in hesitantly, softly kissing his lips and stroking his cheek. "See you later" Harry whispered, heading to the door, leaving Louis at the kitchen table, still frozen.

 

***

It has been three weeks and two days since they started talking again and the only change was that they were constantly tiptoing around each other now. Every word felt calculated and every touch fragile. Harry felt like he was holding onto something dead. Was he wrong to try again? Was he stupid to hope? Maybe he should have just let this all go.

Sure Louis wasn't seeing anyone else, he was giving Harry more attention, but he still couldn't open up to him, or talk about stuff, he seemed to be trying but it was very frustrating to wait weeks for the smallest progress.

"Louis you promised you'd think about going to therapy..." Harry said, leaning against the back of the couch.

"And I did, I thought about it, I decided against it... Harry, I'm fine, I promise." He smiled to reassure his concerned lover. It was such a fake smile that it gave Harry goosebumps.

"Are you though?" Harry raised his eyebrows.

"I am actually, okay? I'm trying, for you." Louis cupped his face gently "I'm going to be fine."

"You have got to try for yourself, not me or anybody, that's the problem, you have to start loving yourself."

"Harry, please, stop it..." Louis shook his head, looking down.

"Stop what, trying to help you?" Harry asked, frustrated.

"Trying to fix me." Louis said quietly, looking in his eyes, sad.

"What are you talking about, I just want you to be happy."

"But I am happy, why can't I be fine on my own terms?" 

"You need help Louis, professional help, to deal with stuff, there's nothing wrong with it, I went to therapy and it worked, you can't just bury this stuff inside it will come up sooner or later, you know that."

"Yeah well, it's not the same for everybody, is it? Stop pushing."

"So you see me trying to help you as a problem?" Harry asked, crossing his arms.

"no, you see, the problem is that you're trying to fix me." He said with a bitter smile.

"What does that even mean? Why do you keep saying that?"

"Ever since you met me, you've been trying to fix me Harry, don't you see that? You knew I was fucked up, you knew it, and that's huge part of what you liked about me, it's a challenge, tell me, is it everything you wanted? Am I interesting enough for your stupid hero complex?"

"Lou, no, what are you talking about, I..." Harry said frowning, upset.

"I'm not saying you're some cold person who planned and rationalized it, but subconsciously it is the truth and I'm so sick of it. I get it H, you had problems you got over them, I get that you want to help, but it's not always that simple or one sided, there isn't one universal way to do it, I get that your intentions are good but just please, just stop pushing me." Louis said.

"I'm sorry if you think that, I... I just want what's best for you." Harry said, looking down. Did Louis really think that about him?

"I know love, I'm sorry, I just don't want to fight." Louis sighed. 

"I don't want to fight either." Harry said, wrapping his arms around the smaller boy. "And I want you to know something. I don't want to fix you, or change you, you're perfect to me, I just wanted for you to change the way you treated me and I think we're getting there and now all I want is for you to be alright and for you to love yourself, because I do." He pulled away a little bit to look Louis in the eyes, cupping his face, his heart beating rapidly. Louis was tense, holding his breath. "I love you Louis, and I know you might not feel the same or might not be ready to say it and it's fine. I just want you to know that." 

Louis seemed speechless, he looked in his eyes with unreadable expression before burying his face back into Harry's chest, holding onto him tightly.

"I'm scared." He whispered.

"You're scared?" Harry repeated, waiting for Louis to elaborate. He sighed before speaking again.

"I always thought about therapy like something other people did, you know? Like an option when there is nothing you can do by yourself, and I know it's stupid but it's like a back up plan if nothing else works, so what if that does not work either. What if I go to therapy and it doesn't do anything. So... Basically I'm scared to use my back up plan, to be more specific, I'm scared it won't work because I don't have a back up plan for a back up plan..."

"Lou... It will, maybe not the first time, maybe you will want to see another therapist but we will find the right way to make it work for you. It's all about you, you have to be willing to work on yourself, they just teach you how. So there's really nothing to be scared of baby, if you try, really try, it will work." Harry said, running fingers through his hair softly.

Louis looked up at him, looking deep into his eyes, like he was about to say something, but then he just pulled him into the kiss. Harry understood, he really did, even if it made him a little bit sad.

 

***

"How was it?" Harry asked, holding his breath as he waited for the answer from the other end of the phone.

Louis insisted on going to his therapy session alone, Harry understood, it wasn't about him, it was about Louis and his mental health. Of course he wanted to be involved, go with him, wait outside, maybe get a coffee after as they discussed details but this was fine. The important thing was that Louis was getting help.

"It was alright... Nothing special." Louis answered. Harry could barely hear him through the traffic he must have been in.

"Come on Lou, give me more, did you set up another appointment, did you feel better, did you talk about the important stuff."

"Here and there, we touched upon a lot of things, I'm going back next week. Listen, I can barely hear you, can we discuss it tonight please? Preferably over whiskey or something?"

"Yeah, sure, yeah, 7 at your place?"

"I was thinking we should go out somewhere?" Louis said "I'll text you time and place, I have some errands to run.

"Okay, see you tonight love."

"See you" Louis said as he hang up.

Harry had this horrible feeling in the pit of his stomach. He was afraid that it wouldn't work, it felt like Louis wasn't really taking it seriously, he suspected Louis only agreed to get him off his back in the first place and it was bothering him. Didn't he want to get better? Didn't he want this to work? Didn't he want to be happy? 

Frustrated, Harry headed to the kitchen, finding leftover whiskey in the fridge. It'd do for now, so what if it wasn't even 5pm, he didn't have anything else to do.

As suspected, Louis spent entire evening joking around and avoided his questions or attempts to start up a serious conversation. Maybe he was all talked out after the therapy session. It was alright, Harry assured himself. The unexpected thing though, was Louis saying he preferred to be alone that night, that had never happened before, they always ended up tangled up in each other after a night out.

Harry was left shocked, confused and a little bit scared. Has he pushed Louis farther than he was ready to go? Has he ruined it? He tried not to let his insecurities eat him alive as he laid wide awake in his bed, tossing and turning.

***

First, Harry thought that Louis needed to work on some stuff by himself, after a few days he started to get nervous about the lack of any kind of communication. On day eight the unexpected phonecall turned out to be the last drop, making him angry enough to show up at Louis' door.

He felt so stupid and humiliated, here he was taking hundredth first step. He wondered if it'd be worth losing all that was left of his self respect.

"Oh, so you ARE alive!" He said loudly, with a sarcastic smile, making his way inside, ignoring Louis who had obviously just woken up. He glanced in the bedroom on his way to the living room, just in case, thankfully finding it empty.

"Hey, Haz" Louis said, rubbing his eyes. "What are you doing here this early."

"It's after four." He pointed at the clock "I dropped by after my classes to make sure you were not dead, you're not. So what the fuck Louis?" He exclaimed, crossing his arms.

"Look babe, my head hurts like hell could you please, not yell at me, what do you mean?" He said, making his way to the kitchen, gesturing for Harry to follow him.

"I haven't heard from you in a week Louis, where have you been? I've been texting, calling, everything, do you even remember I exist?" He said, feeling worthless and angry at the same time "Oh, by the way? Your therapist called me, saying he couldn't reach you, wondering if you wanted to reschedule since you never showed up for the first appointment."

"Oh my God, when have you turned into a crazy girlfriend? I just needed some time. Why does everything has to be big deal with you." Louis said, forgetting all about the water he was about to drink.

"if you need some time just fucking say so, there's nothing worse than uncertainty. And lying? Really Louis, I thought we were over this, it's like never ending bullshit." Harry was practically yelling at this point, forgetting all about his anger management exercises.

"Would you even listen to yourself? Don't you have a life or something? Why do you have to control everything. Whatever I do it's never enough for you, is it?" Louis said, frowning. And no, Harry wasn't doing this again "you just want to fix me but I don't need to be fixed, don't you get it? I didn't go to therapy because I didn't want to, I lied because you wouldn't drop it otherwise."

"I'm so sick of it Louis" Harry said calmly, looking in his eyes for something to hold on to, or something that could help him detach enough to let him go but instead something painfully squeezed in his chest. It was Louis, his Louis, the boy he loved, the boy who always made him laugh and live, who cared for him even though he didn't like to admit it. He wanted to cry.

"What do you mean?" Louis asked, trying to cover the fear in his voice, hangover suddenly forgotten as he clinged to the kitchen counter.

"I get that you have issues but all I ever asked you was to open up to me and I just now realize, you're not going to." He said in a sudden realization, words just flowing out of him "I never tried to fix you, or change you, it's the way you act towards me and yourself that I have a problem with and I foolishly thought it would change" he said, not letting his voice break "it did for a while but I guess I was just stupid to hope it would last and I was stupid to ever love you." He looked down, to painfully burning his eyes. He would not cry, he decided. It was never going to change. It was never going to end. The hopelessness consumed his entire being, making his thoughts go quiet.

"I'm trying my best Harry, but I know I'll never be good enough for you and you just keep reminding me of that..." And at that Harry finally lost is. The sadness was gone in an instant, he finally felt detached as rage burned hot in his veins, making his vision blurry. His brain was working on manual, not giving his heart any say in the matter.

"Fuck you" He spat out, his eyes narrowed, full with disgust "fuck you and your self pity. You're a pussy, you're a fucking pussy, that's just it." He said loudly, making Louis flinch at the sudden change of the tone 

"Boo hoo you got hurt. Who hasn't. That doesn't mean you need to spend all your life hiding in your comfort zone, because if you don't let yourself feel, what's the fucking point of being alive? What's the fucking point of it all? And no, you are not trying, you're not. You never really gave us a chance. You're packed up, ready to run any moment, never really letting yourself open up and I'm so tired of being the first to call, or first to reach out, first to put some effort, I get that it's hard for you, but I'm running out of compassion. I didn't sign up for this shit and I'm not going to stay and try to raise you, you are not a fucking child." Harry said, getting so close to Louis that he could hear his rapid breathing. 

"you need to get your shit together, by yourself, and honestly, all the fucking luck to you, I genuinely wish you nothing but the best, but I'm not gonna be stuck in this never ending cycle and wait to be your collateral damage." Harry added, grabbing his phone and walking out the door, trying not to look at Louis broken expression and tears running down his eyes, face twisted in shock and pain, trying to hold on to himself, speechless.

He knew he shouldn't have said all that, but if he didn't, he'd never stop coming back and he needed to save himself first, as much as he loved Louis, he felt claustrophobic in this never ending drama and rollercoaster of pain. He couldn't wait out till Louis destroyed himself, he's heart couldn't take it.


	5. Chapter 5

Lottie opened the door, trying to be quiet as she passed the dark hallway. The flat was a mess, bottles of alcohol and boxes of delivery food scattered everywhere, from the couch to the floor, it smelled horrible in here. She ignored it, hitting the light switch. She stepped over the garbage as she headed straight to the bedroom, taking a deep breath, making sure to straighten her face before entering. 

The only sign of life in the dark room was a slow breathing coming from the body tightly wrapped up in blanket, pillows all around him.

"Lou?" She whispered calmly, testing the waters. "Are you awake?"

"Yeah" came the muffled, empty sound. She made her way to the bed, climbing up to lay next to her brother.

"So how have you been?"

"I'm alright. Just taking a few days off work, called in sick."

"Lou... You can't be like this forever, you know that right?" She asked carefully.

"I know, of course I do, I'm just a little hungover, it's been stressful lately, I'll manage." He said, shifting a little, still not looking at his sister.

"Lou, you need to snap out of it, he's gone, I know it sucks and it feels empty and it hurts but you need to get over it eventually, life goes on, okay? it's gonna get better someday, I promise."

"He's not coming back, is he?" Louis said, finally turning around to look at her. Lottie looked down sadly. Louis sighed, rubbing his face.

"I don't think he is, Lou, I think it's over for real this time."

"I just... I've been waiting for him to call and say he didn't mean it, or come back or, I don't know, anything, this has happened before, we've fought a lot but this time it's different." He said, trying to dry the tears.

"I'm sorry, Lou, I know how much he meant to you..."

"It's worse than any other break ups, you know? Because this time" he shook his head, biting his lip "this time I have no one to blame but myself, it's all my fault. I can't hate him, can't be mad at him because I understand why he'd be sick of me. Look at me Lots, I'm a fucking mess and I don't even know what to do... What do I do now?" He hid his face in his palms, trying to even his breathing.

"Now you grieve, Lou, now you get used to the fact that it's over. you're going to get up, help me clean this fucking mess that is your house, then you'll go back to work, take one day at a time, you don't drink, don't do drugs, hell, find a fucking hobby, do whatever it takes to be better, because I can't take to go through this one more time." She kissed his forehead, pulling him in a hug. "I need my big brother, okay? I need him healthy and happy. You need to be strong, darling, I can't do this without you. Okay?" 

"I don't know if I can do that Lottie, all I want to do is drown in alcohol till I can't feel a thing."

"Alright, that's fucking it." Lottie said, determined. "I'm moving here for a while"

"Really? Won't your boyfriend mind?" Louis looked up at her with hopeful eyes.

"Don't worry about him darling, he wants to see you happy just as much. I'm going to be right here beside you every step of the way, every day as long as you need. You just have to trust me, alright? So what do you say we do this together?" She smiled at him and for a second it felt so easy, like one of the games they'd play as children.

"Okay" he breathed out after couple of seconds.

"Do you promise to really try this time, even if it gets hard, even if you don't want to?" Louis nodded.

"Pinky promise?" She raised her eyebrows, Louis couldn't help but smile at the childish sentiment. He knew there was no turning back now. He had to go though this and finally take a responsibility for his life.

 

***

If you asked Harry what he loved about himself, one of the answers most definitely would be that he's spontaneous. 

He loved to plan, sure, but he never actually expected anything to go according to what he had thought. Plans were just sketches, what really colored his life was unexpected things that made everything more interesting, more alive. He was the type of person who asked why not, instead of why. 

That being said, sometimes he wondered, where is the limit to what he'd be willing to do, where was the line he would be unable to cross even with the fear of questioning "what if?" 

He wondered, if it was a good idea to indulge his old habit of never saying no to things at the expense of getting himself hurt. He wondered just how open he could be when it came to universe testing him.

On the cold night of October, sitting on his old couch with tons of things to do, he wondered, just how far he was willing to go, as he looked at the phone lit up with his last Love's name on the screen. 

He didn't feel shocked, panicked, hurt or confused, he felt curious. He thought of the irony that they got together sometime this week two years ago.

"Hello" he said with a firm, soft voice, waiting for the heavy breathing on the other end to form words.

"Harry, hey" he said "I wasn't sure you were gonna answer"

"Well, I have."

"Shit, I'm not sure what to say now... Um..." Harry waited patiently for Louis to form his words as he himself remained unusually calm.

"So um... I totally understand if you tell me to fuck off but... I was wondering if maybe you'd want to go for a walk?" And that, that made Harry anxious. Did he want to see Louis after a year of no contact? Did he want to be reminded of the one thing in life he completely failed at? Was he willing to risk seeing him again, after all this time, remembering all the feelings he tried so hard to forget about? Or most importantly, could he be strong enough to just let things go and not find out what would happen?

"I don't... I'm... Uh..." He paused, trying to think of what he was going to say. "Sure? Maybe?"

"Before you get to 'no', I can be at the park by your place in 10?" Louis suggested.

"Okay, what the hell" Harry said, rubbing his face, not recognizing his own voice. "See you then."

Harry never had an out of body experience, but as he walked down the park he thought that this was as close as he's ever been. It felt like his legs moved on default, like he was looking at this scene from the outside.

Louis stood there, in the middle of the empty park, with his feathery hair styled perfectly, he looked fresh somehow, absolutely breathtaking as he smiled at him softly. 

Something squeezed in his chest as he realized once again that his late night thoughts and drunk heartaches actually had a shape, that he was real, standing right in front of him, late at night, at the fucking park for some reason, just smiling at him.

He approached Louis, not knowing how to greet him. Louis pulled him into a hug that lasted a little bit longer than they usually do, holding him like something precious, something breakable, someone important. It felt so familiar and so foreign at the same time that Harry wanted to scream, to run, to hide and forget this night, and all the other nights haunted by the memories of this man, wondering once again if he had made the right choice leaving him.

"I've missed you" Louis whispered before ending the hug and just like that, Harry broke. His face stayed unchanged as his insides just collapsed. Here goes all the work he put into getting over possibly the only man he ever loved. This wasn't just someone who broke his heart, this was someone who made him laugh, made him happy, listened to his silly stories and stayed up all night talking about crazy ideas and theories about universe, who had fun with him, who loved him, even if he couldn't say it. This was Louis.

"I have missed you, too" he admitted, unable to look away from this beautiful man's eyes and the contagious smile spread wide on his face.

"So how you've been doing?" He asked as they started walking, just like that. As if it's been only hours since they last spoke.

"Fine... Good... I um... Started a new job, I'm saving up for this trip in Amsterdam my friends and I have planned. What about you?"

"I got a cat" Louis said, chuckling. And it felt so odd. Listening to his voice, talking so easily.

"No way" Harry laughed "I thought you hated pets" 

"Hate is a strong word but yeah. It kinda just happened? She was living outside my apartment, it was cold and she's kind of really cute and sweet, I don't know how it happened, really."

"I always knew you were a big softie deep down." Harry said, smiling down at him.

"Well, you always knew me better than most did." Louis said, stopping mid walk, looking at him. Harry's smile froze on his lips. He hadn't seen him for a year, he reminded himself, so why was he here?

"Lou" he started "why did you call?" Louis looked down, nervously biting his lip.

"I don't know... I guess I just needed to see you."

"But why now? After all this time?"

"I don't know, fuck I'm sorry, this is probably weird for you, wasn't even sure you'd pick up the phone." He paused, observing his face for a few seconds. "I just... I want you in my life, H, I missed you a lot and it might never be the same but I was wondering if maybe we could at least be friends."

"Lou..." Harry said, not knowing what to say, this whole situation felt so surreal. He didn't even know why he was here, maybe he was too afraid to say no to seeing him again, making himself believe it wasn't a mistake to leave him in the first place, thought maybe this could make up for all the sleepless nights.

"Look I know..." Louis said "it's not the first time I thought of calling you, it's just the first time I found enough courage to actually do it... I get that that it's hard and you don't have to answer now... I'd be happy if you just thought about it, meanwhile" he said mischievous smile on his lips "how long has it been since you played on the playground?" He asked, leading him to the slides. Smile took over Harry's face. Even if he'd never see him again, he could have this one last night, playing like a kid with this beautiful man. A perfect closure to remember a year of crazy rollercoaster that was Louis Tomlinson.

**

Harry thought about it. He thought about it a lot. He thought about every possible scenario of how this would go, still he was absolutely lost. 

The thing is, he was never the one with a good will power. He was a man of the moment and ever since seeing Louis a week ago, he couldn't stop thinking about him. All the memories slowly crawled back out of the darkest corners of his brain, making his life miserable. He decided he wanted Louis in his life, but just as a friend. He was too much to handle, he thought, so friendship was enough. What could go wrong?

He pressed a call button before he could overthink. Louis answered instantly.

"H, hey, you called" he said excited, Harry could imagine his excited face in such perfect details, it made him smile fondly.

"Yeah, I did. I decided we could handle this as mature people, and be friends." He said. " So wanna get a drink sometime this week?"

"I uh... Don't really drink anymore but maybe dinner?"

"Oh, I'm sorry, I was calling Louis, Louis Tomlinson, blue eyes, brown hair, very tiny?"

"Very funny Harold!" Louis said annoyed, Harry knew he wasn't really, he was probably smiling too.

"So dinner it is"

"Tomorrow?"

"Sure, 7 pm?"

"Perfect" Harry said, feeling like a weight had been lifted from his chest as he said goodbye and hung up.

He thought about Louis not drinking. It was so odd to imagine, Louis spent their entire relationship intoxicated, he could barely remember a day when he was completely sober. It was such a big part of him somehow. He wondered how many other things he didn't know about Louis now, how much he'd changed in a year. His heart was fluttering with anxiety and excitement. He was ready to get to know him again.

***

Harry didn't expect Louis to take him to a cute fancy restaurant for dinner, the kind where you make a reservation, it was a huge update from the shitty bars they used to go to, the ones that smelled like cheap beer and desperation. He wasn't sure if he was dressed nice enough for this place. They set at the corner table, it was such a comfortable place, away from the noise but not too isolated, lighting just perfect. Food was delicious and Harry felt like he was in a very weird dream.

"...And I assured her it's vital that she knows about the kids names from the start of a relationship and she actually started talking to him about it. Like they've been going out for two weeks and she started talking about kids, I was mortified for her, I couldn't help but feel responsible but it was just hilarious." Louis finished a story about his co-worker as Harry laughed, adding more tea to his cup.

"Poor naive thing, she trusted you Lou, how could you" he said with his best judgemental voice.

"I'm just going to say, if I'm going to hell, totally worth it."

"Right" Harry said chuckling.

"So how are you liking the new job, anyone interesting?" Louis not so subtly asked. Here it was, the relationship question.

"Nobody important" he said "I'm not looking for anything, really, just a bit of fun, what about you?"

"I've been too concerned on myself lately to start anything new. Don't really want to, either."

"Why not?" Harry asked before he could bite his tongue, as he saw Louis' face fall.

"Well, my ex was an asshole" Louis said, laughing it of.

"Sounds like it, what a monster, must have fucked you up" Harry said, trying to play along, it was fine, they could talk about this stuff.

"He did." Louis answered suddenly serious, making Harry squirm under his intense gaze. "He really broke my heart." 

"Lou..." 

"No I'm sorry, I don't blame you for anything... I get it, you actually did me a favor by breaking up with me, I needed a reality check, I needed to hit the rock bottom and there's no lower to go then getting your heart broken by someone you love." Harry froze, he swallowed, air he breathed suddenly felt like poison.

"It's funny how I spend months waiting for you to say that and here we are and it's not at all how I imagined it'd happen."

"I did love you, H, there's no way you didn't know that." Louis said, looking down, nervously playing with the table cloth.

"I don't know Lou, it's hard to stay subjective about that stuff."

"I did go to the therapy after all." Louis said, trying make the conversation less depressing.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, it was shit, I tried several times actually, not for me" 

"I guess different things work for different people."

"Shocking revelation" Louis said, smiling. "I did get my shit together though, I did, so that's something."

"Something? Lou, that's all that matters."

"Doesn't feel like it" Louis said

"So the not drinking thing, is it part of your shit being together?" 

"No, well, kind of. So Lottie told me I have an alcohol problem" he rolled his eyes "she insisted I'm an alcoholic and should go to the groups and shit, which is bullshit, obviously"

"Obviously" Harry mocked him "I think it's the first time I'm seeing you sober."

"I chose to drink daily, is not the same as being an alcoholic, you know that..." Louis said "anyway, she said I was an alcoholic and I took it upon myself to prove her wrong, so now I only drink on special occasions, like birthdays and holidays. And one Friday a month."

"Impressive, how long has it been?"

"Something like... Five months, maybe six." Louis shrugged.

"Impressive, I'll drink to that" Harry teased, watching as Louis rolled his eyes dramatically "no really, I'm glad you're doing fine and taking care of yourself."

"Well, let it be known that I lost a lot of friends to sobriety."

"Probably people not worth keeping in your life?" Harry suggested.

"Most probably, but I will admit, sober me in a bar is not really a joy to be around."

"Right? Ugh you're just terrible!" Harry said, returning Louis' fond smile.

They went home well after midnight. Harry felt more confused than ever. Could he really just be friends with Louis and resist the urge to push him against any surface and get lost in his soft lips? Louis did look sexier, more confident, more relaxed. As if he wasn't hot enough to begin with. But Harry wasn't a child and Louis wasn't an ice cream and he could do it. He could be friends with his ex. Just friends.

 

***

Before Harry knew it, he was seeing Louis every other day. He was surprised to find out, sober Louis was more fun than drunk Louis. It felt like all they did was laugh, he just couldn't stop smiling around him, he was like a sunshine. They walked a lot, walked through the whole town, going into random places they found on the way, Harry didn't think it was possible to find so many new places but he was enjoying all of it. 

Harry was absolutely charmed by this new version of Louis, he was so... Alive. He was like a child, wanting to explore everything around him, he had so much energy that it made Harry's head spin.

One day in February they sat in a small coffee shop they'd just found, when Louis said.

"So my mom is visiting this weekend."

"Really? That's great, you must have missed her."

"I have, a lot, I haven't been able to go home since Christmas and my mom isn't really thrilled about that" Louis said "so um... Weird thing"

"Yes?" Louis smiled sheepishly, looking down for a few seconds before looking back at him. Harry was confused but he waited patiently, with his brows frowned in concentration.

"She really wants to meet you" Harry's mouth nearly fall down, when they were together they never even discussed meeting the family or anything serious like that, maybe it was a friend privilege only, but why did it feel so important. "She's been asking non-stop about it, so I was thinking maybe we could all have dinner or something?"

"Um... Sure, yeah, why not" Harry said, unable to hold back a smile, trying to ignore the anxiety in his chest, he didn't ask or say anything, afraid of ruining things. when on the walk back home Louis reached to take his hand in his, he didn't say anything about that either.

***

Harry couldn't stop thinking about meeting Louis' mother. It wasn't a big deal, right? Just a very friendly thing to do. Harry didn't let himself think of the possibility of them being more than friends again, because if he opened up that door he wouldn't be able to stop thinking about it.

On the Wednesday night he met up with Annie for their mid-week drinks. 

"I think he wants to fuck you" Annie said, sipping her cocktail.

"No!" Harry said, pinching her side "it's not like that, we're friends now, and I like it this way."

"Oh please, spare me..." Annie rolled her eyes. "You're so not just friends" 

"We are, honestly, and it's great."

"So you're telling me you don't want to have sex with him?" She raised her eyebrows, looking at him, unimpressed.

"No!" Harry said like he was offended. "Maybe a little?"

"A little too much?" Annie chuckled. Harry pouted. "Okay sorry, look, I'm just messing with you, just because you want to fuck him doesn't mean you can't be friends, alright?"

"It doesn't?" Harry doubted.

"No way, if you're good like this, I'm happy for you."

After two hours and a few more drinks Harry forgot why he thought it would be a bad idea to text Louis while drinking.

"Hey, what's up"

"Having dinner, you?"

"Dinner, at ten thirty? Are you out? I'm at Jennie's"

"Well, it wasn't 10:30 when I got here, obviously, I'm finishing up actually, gonna head home, are you drunk?" Was he on a date? Harry felt like he wanted to cry or punch something, he had almost forgotten what jealousy felt like. He couldn't think about that.

"A little bit. Can we hang out for a while?" He bit his lip, it probably wasn't a good idea.

"Now?"

"Yeah."

"I'll call you when I get there"

Harry said goodbye to Annie and stepped outside, smoking his cigarette waiting for Louis. He smiled when he saw him, he got inside the car, placing a kiss on Louis' cheek.

Louis looked breathtakingly gorgeous, he was wearing tight black jeans that made Harry want to bite down on his delicious thighs, a simple white shirt and black leather jacket, he had a bit of stubble and his hair looked perfect. Harry wanted to kiss and taste every part of his body. fuck, he thought.

"Hey, still with me?" Louis asked with a chuckle.

"Yeah, sorry I zoned out" 

"I can see that" Louis smiled "I asked if you wanted to go somewhere specific?"

"Oh, can we get an ice cream?" Harry asked, his eyes sparkling with excitement.

"It's February" 

"What's your point?" 

After twenty minutes they managed to find a place that served Ice cream, they were the only people there, except the girl about to fall asleep behind the counter.

"So, how was your date" Harry asked, trying to seem nonchalant.

"It wasn't a date" Louis said, rolling his eyes.

"You don't have to lie Lou, it was obviously a date, dinner at this time? And you look absolutely stunning and" Harry's voice broke, and he took it as a sign to shut up.

"Does that bother you?" Louis said, unable to stop smiling. "Are you jealous, H?"

"So what if I am" Harry said, his inhibitions washed away by the alcohol. Louis chuckled, cupping Harry's face and stroking it, before pinching it playfully.

"You're just so adorable" he said, placing a loud kiss on his cheek. And that was it, Harry realized, he was officially friend zoned.

***

 

Harry rang the doorbell, waiting for Louis to open, he felt his palms sweating a little bit, he really wanted his mom to like him, which was ridiculous, considering they were just friends, he reminded himself. He kind of missed Louis, he hadn't seen him since the late night trip to the ice cream place.

"Hey" Louis said, placing the small kiss on his cheek "come on in" he stepped aside to let him in. Harry hang his jacket on the hook and glanced in the mirror. He looked pretty presentable. "My mom's in the kitchen"

The first thing Harry thought was, no wonder Louis is so beautiful, because this woman was stunning. She smiled at him warmly as soon as she saw him, pulling him into a hug. 

"Harry, it's so nice to finally meet you, I've heard so much about you"

"It's very nice to meet you too" Harry said with a smile, suddenly feeling like a thirteen year old.

"I'm still not done with the dinner but would you like anything to drink?"

"No thanks, can I help with dinner?" He offered.

"No thanks, all it needs now is time, you cook?" Jay asked.

"A little bit." Harry answered.

"Lies!" Louis said, sliding his arm around Harry's waist "his cooking is to die for"

"I don't doubt it" Jay smiled at them.

What the fuck? Harry thought. Giving Louis a confused stare once Jay wasn't looking.

Soon the dinner was ready, and Harry felt less tense, Jay was amazing, she was funny and sweet, she told him all of Louis' embarrassing stories that Lottie hadn't been able to mention yet. Harry tried to concentrate on her instead of Louis who just couldn't seem to stop touching him acting like a lover would.

Once they were done eating, drinking tea and it was time for Harry to leave, Jay spoke.

"We're having dinner with Lottie and his boyfriend tomorrow, you should join us." And okay, this was definitely not an invitation friends received. "And you should definitely come visit with Louis next time he comes to Doncaster, we'd love to have you, you could meet the rest of the crazy kids." Harry smiled politely and nodded, trying to keep his shit together.

"Thanks a lot, Jay, but unfortunately I have a lot of work to catch up on so I won't be able to make it tomorrow" he said. "It was a pleasure to meet you and thank you for dinner" he smiled at her, awkwardly waving goodbye to Louis who was standing next to his mother.

He decided to walk home. He couldn't shake the feeling of awkwardness. Did Louis' mom think they were a couple? Did Louis know? What the hell was happening? He tried to relax and clear his head as he walked, trying not to analyze Louis' every word and gesture, he sure was acting strange.

*** 

Harry was so frustrated he was about to cry. He was left very confused by meeting Louis' mom. He wanted Louis back, there was no doubt about it, but Louis thought of him like a friend, yet he acted like his boyfriend in front of his mom, it was all too much, so Harry decided he needed a distance between them. It was hard to stay friends with an ex, especially close friends. He needed to balance their relationship, so he decided he needed to go on a date, preferably get laid. Maybe that was the problem.

On a Friday night, after almost a week of declining Louis invitations to hang out he was three hours away from a date. He felt pretty good about himself, he was moving on and learning to balance Louis and the rest of his life. He was on his way to dress after a long shower when he was interrupted by a knock on the door.

"Just a minute" he yelled, putting on the sweatpants as he ran to the door and opened just to face his nightmare. 

"Hey" Louis said, looking him up and down, he suddenly felt very exposed. "May I come in?"

"Um.. yeah" he said, letting Louis in, awkwardly standing with his arms crossed.

"Oh come on" Louis said "relax, it's nothing I haven't seen before" 

"What are you doing here?" Harry asked.

"I got the feeling that you've been ignoring me since Saturday, I just want to know what's up" Louis said, touching his arm. Harry awkwardly moved away from the touch and sat on the couch, Louis following him. "So?"

"I've just been very busy" Harry said "actually I was just getting ready to go out" 

"Oh?"

"Yeah, I have a date" Harry added, looking at Louis carefully.

"Oh. A date huh." Louis said, staring at his face "So it wasn't something I did?" Harry bit his lip, he might as well clear things up.

"Does your mom think we're a couple?" He blurted out before he could stop himself.

"Uh... It's complicated" Louis cleared his throat "I better get going wouldn't want you to be late on your date" Louis added, getting up. Harry got up and stopped him.

"Oh, no no no no, wait" he said, clinging to his arm "Lou, what's going on?"

"I just... I thought... Fuck it's stupid"

"Tell me, come on" Harry said "it's me, you can tell me." Louis smiled at him sadly, battling himself to say something.

"I'm in love with you, Harry" Louis said, looking right in his eyes. Harry stood still, not daring to breathe. "I have for a long time and I know the last time we did it, it didn't go so well and it wasn't a right time but I haven't been able to stop thinking about you, I couldn't get you out of my system, as hard as I tried and I figured maybe if I showed you that I've changed, you could fall in love with me again and maybe this time we could really make this work and since it was all too complicated I didn't want to confuse my mom, but obviously I was wrong to think that, I misread things and it was all stupid so just... Go on your date and... I'll try to be your friend, if you still want to, and we'll just.. work this out somehow. I'm sorry." Louis looked down hiding his face in his hand.

Harry was frozen, not only his body, but his brain, too. He just stood there, watching Louis leave, embarrassed and heartbroken, after his lack of response.

He wanted to run after Louis and kiss him breathless, tell him how he felt but instead he stayed still for a while, replaying Louis' words in his mind. Trying to analyzing all of the reasons why they broke up in the first place, and reasons why they shouldn't get back together.

He cancel the date, couldn't bring himself to go through with it after what happened. He desperately wished for a drink as he tried to come up with reasons why he should let him go and before he knew it, he was standing in front of Louis' flat at one am, ringing the doorbell.

Harry waited and waited but there was no answer so he just sat there, on the stairs, waiting for Louis to get back, as he fell asleep, head against the wall.

"Harry?" He heard the voice "are you okay?" He opened his eyes, realizing he'd fallen asleep.

"Fuck, sorry" Harry got up "I can't believe I fall asleep I was just waiting for you"

"How are you not freezing? Come on, let's get inside, I'll make you a tea" Louis wrapped his arms around him, leading him in.

A tea turned out to be a great idea, it warmed his frozen bones and made him relax.

"Holy shit it's almost 3 am" Harry said, looking at the clock.

"Yeah, how long have you been here?" Louis asked, trying to remain calm.

"A while. Where were you? Have you been drinking?"

"I was at Lottie's, I had a couple glasses of wine." Louis said like he wasn't dying to hear why Harry came here to say. "How was your date?"

"I didn't go" he said, watching hope flash on his face for a second.

"Why not?"

"You know why" Harry said "what you said really fucked me up Lou..."

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to cause you trouble." 

"Lou... I'm completely lost. I don't know what to do." He admitted, looking at him defeated.

"Well, what do you want to do?" Louis asked, hopeful and scared at the same time. Harry sighed.

"I don't know." Lie. "I fucking love you okay? I do and I never really stopped, I would kill to hear you say what you said today a year ago but I can't turn back time and I've been thinking a lot about this and I know you're doing so much better and got your shit together and the timing seems great and..."

"And what?" Louis said "what's the problem then? Why are you trying to talk yourself out of it?" He cupped Harry's face.

"I don't know"

"Yes you do. What is it." He insisted.  
Harry didn't answer, just looked down, biting his lip. "You're scared" Louis said "look at me." Harry looked up with teary eyes.

"Hey, it's not going to be like it was before. I want to be with you. I want every part of you, I love you." Louis said, getting a little bit closer to hold him, Harry gave into the warmth, leaning into the hug.

"So what now?" Harry whispered. Louis kissed his face slowly, forehead, nose and finally placed a soft kiss on his lips.

"Now we enjoy this like we weren't able to last time, okay?" He said, intertwining their fingers "I would really like to be with you and love you, if you let me"

"Okay" Harry finally breathed out, and once he was done fighting it, it was the easiest thing in the world. How could he not see how perfect they were like this.

"Okay?" Louis smiled at him, stroking his hair.

"Yeah" Harry said, leaning in to taste his lips.

And it was simple as that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh boy, I've been writing this for so long I couldn't not give this a happy ending. I hope you enjoyed.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading.
> 
> Kudos and comments are very much appreciated.
> 
> If you have any questions, criticism or opinions I'd love to hear them.
> 
> Have a great day,
> 
> Lots of love.


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